[Eternally_Faithful]

I'm no longer sure whats worse, the nightmares, or what I see even when I am awake. She won't stop, I have seen her twice now, but I am not sure if its only me, or if I am being visited by the woman. I used to think so, but now...somethings wrong. People don't drip blood down their eyes, mouth and nose and sink into the mud like its nothing. I lost all nerve instantly when that happened. I barely slept, every time I shut my eyes, she was there again, mocking me, taunting me.

I don't even know if I am losing my mind, or its real, or its just me. Maybe I deserve it? I don't know but, many people kill, murder, torture, and they never see any of this, so why me? Why do I keep seeing it? Why does it keep tormenting me. I can't sleep, even with dad beside me, I keep waking back up with nightmares or just seeing her again. It needs to stop. Maybe Cele or Keelie will have an answer? Maybe?

[Eternally_Faithful]

People make monsters, this is what I told Arthur, every time I go to Hadrian they remind me of this. Yesterday was first a group of sell swords hired to threaten my father into denouncing himself as a Priest of Amauntor, then when attending Chesters group, the priest there tried to force it. I scared many when I allowed the demonic presence to have room within the Temple. The fires all grew hotter as I threatened the Priest that he had lost Assurans friendship and I proclaimed him a false priest.

By the time I stormed out, I think I had caused as much unease on them, as they had caused on us. I had to go home, I wasn't asking dad anymore at the moment, I told him we were leaving Hadrian. He tells me I need to be stronger in will, but he doesn't realize how much I fight back the demons to not let go, to not burn it all down around me, to not kill again. The soft whispers to make them suffer, to make them pay, to watch them scream as they watched us that day.

I hate going to Hadrian, I hate those voices, and I hate more and more that they are right. A part of me truly prays Arthur can make my terms work. Can he though? Can he stop this and try to make it right before the monster truly breaks free? I want to believe he can, but I won't be the one reaching this time. They must if they truly want to help me, I won't be burned again.

[Eternally_Faithful]

War, the one thing that can destroy families and lives in an instant. Today I sit like many other sons and daughters waiting for one of two things, dad to come home, or a notice of death to arrive, though unlike most soldiers, I don't have a mother to intercept the message, to break it softly if it comes to it, to help me mourn and grieve. It is only me. Dad promised it would be okay, that he would be back. How many other fathers promised that today, and won't make it home to their children, on either side?

Even now father protects Hadrian, the city that betrays him again and again. Why does he protect them? Why bother when while he is weakened, they are there to kick him again and again? It's not fair that I have to worry and panic for him, while they use him as some tool. Yet I cannot tell him not to go. He will not hear me about not going, he wanted to go. For several reasons perhaps, but I still hate that he went.

Please...just come home dad....please?

[Eternally_Faithful]

My deepest and darkest fears came true. Dad was betrayed in the field by those he should have trusted, Snacks and Rassali cut him down and the Legion arrested him. I only found out cause Snacks told me he was being held...of course, in fear I lost my temper and sent out a death threat across Hadrian, I was alone, scared and in a corner on my own, which is when Arthur showed up. Hes the only one that other then dad has made an active effort to reach out to me. I thought he was there to kill me, but he instead reached out to help me, even got me to see dad, but I had to make a public apology too. Dads at home now with me, but the Reschotti have a collar around his neck to make sure he comes to trial tomorrow. I don't wanna lose him, hes all I really have.

[Eternally_Faithful]

Dads trial is tomorrow, but I can hardly sleep, I'm too scared to look away and realize he's gone. Dads gonna stand trial, face the liars down, do anything it takes to make them realize he is not the villain they make him out to be. I have finally convinced Dad to accept Assuran though. He doesn't need a temple that will backstab him at every turn, Assuran is always there. So as he sleeps tonight I prepare this prayer and these blessings, may his transition to Assuran from the false temple go smoothly.


Lord Assuran,

My father comes seeking you for guidance, acceptance and vengeance, he has suffered much injustice and is truly in need of the Doombringers guidance in his struggle as well as in meriting out true and proper vengeance. Accept him to your clergy, teach him a better way, guide him in your wisdom and show him how to enact vengeance without falling from the path into temptations.

Teach him forgiveness, where other gods have failed him, or perhaps failed even themselves in their duties, that they may be forgiven and his heart may begin to heal and he can finally learn true faith again.

Teach him mercy, that he can look past the sins and see the good in people as I even struggle with. That he can help me as I struggle in the path before me.

Teach him irony, that his vengeance may be poetic but always justified.

Most of all, teach him how to move on from the past and begin to live for US. Because I know hes in so much pain, he cannot even truly express it. Please help him find himself and the path back to the light. He's not perfect, but you sent him to me anyways. I have to believe a part of you sent me to save him as much as he is saving me.

Amen.

[Eternally_Faithful]

The entire night in prayer, praying to Assuran for guidance, help, reassurance, but I am unsure of the outcome. Dads still asleep as I keep checking on him now and again, though I am not sure anymore if I am doing it for his sake or mine. I wanna have his faith that it will all work out, but I just can't draw on that strength he has. Another weakness of my mental youth? Or just weakness in general? I really don't know, I can't sleep, I haven't even told dad I haven't eaten anything in nearly three days, but the hunger just isn't there. The sight or smell of food just makes me ill.

I just want the nightmare to be over, the pain to stop and for a few days, quiet in our lives, to live like normal people do, why is that so much to ask? I wanna be free to be a kid, not scared all the time of losing him, or the enclave coming after me, or someone trying to kill one of us. Why does no one understand that? Arthur seemed to, he seemed to actually care a lot, he reached out to me while I was entirely alone, I think he truly felt pity for me. I don't wanna know what might have happened had I been left to fall apart.

My faith in him is growing, I honored my word to him as I always keep my word, I posted the apology, and was truly sincere about it. I lost myself the moment I thought I lost him, I couldn't handle it. He is everything to me. Can people really not understand that? Snacks and Rassali and Edulis, so proud of themselves, so arrogant, I expect it of Edulis, but Snacks? Hes a Knight, shouldn't he be acting you know....good? Not murdering a father that just helped fight the gnolls off? I don't know. I really don't anymore.

[Eternally_Faithful]

A few more hours, barely two and I watch to see my fathers fate, I try to remain strong infront of him, try not to allow the real fear to show, but how can I be strong when every part of me feels sick and weak. He has found Assuran, though hes nervous, though I know Assuran watches over him, he did when I called vengeance for him, he knows dad isn't bad, just misguided. Even if he never accomplishes these...strange long term goals, I will support and protect and love him, hes just hurt, scared and confused.

I want so much to have the faith he does that things will turn out, to hold hope in a better future, but given my own past, the pain, the experience. I have a hard time believing anything will ever get better for me. Hes the first and only good thing in my life, I had hoped for a while Keelie would be the second, but that was never meant to be. I don't fault her though, no one wants someone this broken.

How many more times will I lay broken and bare before others. Watching, waiting, pleading for others to realize what they are doing is wrong. I don't know but I will keep fighting. Im not even sure if I am still wanted in Hadrian for the threats I made, I have yet to run into Nikita, but I doubt if I do it will be any good. I just want my dad to come home. We don't need to come to Hadrian for things.

I dont know what I am gonna do if things go badly. I asked Keelie to come to the trial for moral support, but she refused to promise, I haven't heard back from Arthur, so not sure if he is gonna come. If they don't and things go bad, I don't know what I am gonna do. I really need the support, I just hope they let me stay with dad during the trial, at least that would be a bit more comforting then being separated entirely.

[Eternally_Faithful]

Assuran has answered us both today, no matter what people tried, the cases were all thrown out. The only thing they could hold my father on was poor character, which while not a crime in itself, he is to be overseen by the Swords, and cleansed. Whatever that means. I asked for the sentence to include me so that I can stay with dad. Its been very strange since then.

Snacks started by barking orders that we were gonna follow him and that was that and too bad. We immediately waited till he left then went home, I shortly after contacted Pariah and arranged a quiet meeting with her that has literally turned into a full nights talk from the heart on both of our parts. She seems to semi grasp that I am immature mentally, but it still seems a distant thing for her to fully grasp. I joked that she wasn't used to handling someone of my mental development.

We agreed mostly that Snacks needs to tone down a bit, but I am gonna have to try to work with him. Its going to be tense, I'm not gonna pretend its not. I used to really like Snacks, he was my mentor for a time but after my poster, he didn't even wanna talk to me to even hear me out. Why I felt that way, why I had changed suddenly. I honestly think in the month I have been here, this is the longest I have been alone with Pariah. I am starting to remember what I did like about her, she has flaws but don't we all?

I admit I am very nervous moving forward, but I don't wanna lose dad so, the option is this. For now though he lives, so do I, and for now at least, we can be happy, and at peace. Hopefully. I know Pariah is set on me learning more who "I" am. Honestly I cannot answer that yet. I don't know who I am under all the scars, pain, hatred and...self hatred. I know who I wanted to be when I arrived. I wanted to be like them, strong, independent, powerful. But I was turned away. Do I dare set such goals again? Hold such a belief in such again? I don't know.

Either way..I think I have officially exhausted the poor Dame, she looks very tired. After a few days without sleep and being basically unable to eat for the last week, I know I am feeling the side effects of it. Dads already noticed the weight change and is not happy at all. Maybe one day, Pariah will come to understand truly...why I hate the Netherese and why I am stuck on vengeance, one day I will tell her, but not today, today I think I have truly overwhelmed her, and she did tolerate my dad pretty well, I am proud of them both for that.

[Eternally_Faithful]

Today I ventured to House Dukaruss, I asked for some leniency on my sentence regarding the proclamations and I am not sure if it was made worse instead...I literally have to announce it as I, Murderer, Trent wish to declare...its a nightmare. Not one I openly wanna use unless I absolutely must. Dads gonna flip for sure. I hate it, but what more can I do? I still cant believe how the trial went. I'm just glad dads okay, and I managed to get some sleep, still cant eat though.

So far the day has been very quiet, so I have been basically wandering on my own, thinking and trying to do things. Though I feel the drain and dads not home, so rest really isn't an option because when I lay down, I won't be able to sleep anyways cause hes not home. Long day, longer one yet to come I would imagine. Hopefully it will be very peaceful for a while now.

[Eternally_Faithful]

Things keep changing, im trying to do better as a person, so is dad, but no one wants to let us. Even Pariah wasn't happy with Rhods stunt yesterday of showing up and picking a fight, gods he even verbally attacked me right infront of her to the point she had to make him leave. I am trying to do good, I am even almost finished her requested order of 20 exceptional swords. Apparently after Rhod left us yesterday, I had another of my panic attacks and actually passed out. Dad panicked and sent for Keelie, Rhod took this as an order from dad, which it really wasn't, the Temple of Amauntor demanded they work with us. I am trying to work with them, and help my father work with them, but as I told Pariah..they need to make the effort and stop pushing at my dad like that, it won't work otherwise.

I am trying, Assuran knows I am, I have already sank more then 9000 gold into these swords, as well as the containers to hold them. If thats not dedication and devotion, I am not sure what more it would take to make them see past my skin and eyes. Hopefully the Commander will be far more reasonable this time. At least Pariah will be there when I offer the blades. I wouldn't want to do it alone. Not with the hatred I got last time for trying to join them.

Dad finally realized I don't look at reflections, called me out on it asking about it, and I told him, I hate what I see. He really didn't like that answer at all. I haven't been able to look at myself in a mirror since I was eight. I can't see doing it now. I hate what I see when I look in reflections, I hate who I am and what I am, I don't know if its what the Netherese programmed me to see and believe, or its just me in general, but I cannot stand seeing myself.

[Eternally_Faithful]

Another day, another drama, dad tried so hard to keep things peaceful, but as always they blew up in his face, his first mistake of the day was going through Hadrian to the Wombrie woods. I hated stepping foot in town, but he insisted saying it was faster. The moment we landed, I knew something bad was gonna happen. We made our way there meeting some naked "nymph" as dad called her. She was attacked while we spoke to her and I cut it down. Then she fled and we made our way to the tomb he wanted to investigate.

When inside we were besieged by undead of all types, one type kinda looked even a bit like a Knight. I focused on front lining things till we came across a room with an altar in it. Thats where everything just kept going wrong. First the altar sent me flying back into the door, still feeling that and movement hurts a lot. Secondly was dad picking up that strange skull before this guy showed up. He said we were stealing it, being the warrior I stayed between him and dad to protect him, next thing I knew, I hit the wall and was waking up with Xavier over me and dad still talking to him.

Then it gave him a strange order, and took half my life force to ensure dad completed the order. Dad has ten days to complete it, thats not very long. Dad was heartbroken seeing me, the blood, being unable to move easily. My back and head have been killing me all day so I have been trying to stay resting, I have easily passed back out several times today in exhaustion.

If theres nothing more to add, at least I am finally done the Swords blade order. I loved the work, and the devotion to go into it, I just hope the Commander accepts it and perhaps even me. I won't know till then but heres to hoping right?

[Eternally_Faithful]

A full day of resting, off my feet, relaxing my back, dads making a hot pack for my back really dialed back the pain, I can't even begin to believe how much or how long I slept. I must have passed back out three or four times on him through out the day. I was actually even hungry by the time I woke last. I know dads rather worried but I needed time to rest and recover, I didn't even want to do anything last night, just remain curled up with him and rest. I know it worried him though.

I can feel the drain where the creature took half my life force, maybe its why I am so tired? I don't know. I still haven't heard back from Pariah yet, perhaps the Commander is busy. I'm still hesitant to go see him I admit, it leaves me rather unnerved as I watch and wait for the time to meet him again. I am unsure how that will go. At least now my back isn't literally screaming in pain at every movement, dad will have to remember this trick for next time for sure.

For now though, dads still asleep so I may as well rest again while I have the chance.

[Eternally_Faithful]

Now even Keelie has betrayed me, I called for her, needing to speak with her, she wouldn't even dignify me with a response, I spent several hours out there waiting, not a word was sent to me, I thought she cared about me, but apparently I am disposable now that she has a fiance. I have tried to respect her, love her, care for her, to let her in. Clearly that was a mistake. Even Snacks had the decency to show up. Yeah...I actually spoke to him today too. Now she avoids me. This hurt, right to the core. I haven't done anything to her to deserve to be shunned. I have and would have given her everything in life that I could. Apparently though she has proven, contrary to her words, I don't mean a god damned thing to her. Just usable to build up so she could shatter me more then anyone before her. Why again do I keep trying?

Dads asleep, Pariah won't be awake yet, Snacks doesn't trust me, I haven't seen Arthur since the trial..so who do I go to now? What do I do when everything is dark? There is only darkness ahead of me, and pain within me. What did I do to have her turn her back on me? I would never do that to her. I don't doubt her fiance had something to do with it, he hates me, I don't even know why. Why keep fighting? Why keep believing anyone cares? All they do is build me up...to slam me back on the ground.

I can hear the Doctor laughing at me again, commenting on my weakness, that I allowed myself to become vulnerable again. Why did I let her in? Because I fell in love with her? Because I wanted to believe she was different? Because I truly longed for a companion? I don't know, but its sound proof I was a fool to think there would be any real difference. I won't make that mistake again...no one but dad gets in that close...not again, I won't allow anyone to hurt me like this again...not now, not ever.

[Eternally_Faithful]

Fate seems against me tonight, first Keelie stands me up entirely, no word, then Cele can't make it, though at least Cele had the heart to at least forward an apology to me that she had to miss me. I truly believe she had no choice but to miss it. Can't eat, can't sleep, dads sound out, and no one left to turn to. Seems I am stuck again here with my thoughts and with the Demon, though he isn't helping things. Ever reminding me that Keelie betrayed me, that she never cared about me, just used me like the Enclaves did, some test subject for emotional gain and support till she found something better.

Why is it those that say they will always be there, are the first to lie? Why lie to me? To build me up to watch me fall, to break any last shred of hope and dignity I have? Love is clearly a weakness that will always be exploited for other peoples gains. I don't pretend to know what Keelie stood to gain from all this, but she has proven to me that my love was worthless to her. That Rhod was more valuable, even though if she was murdered and at least brought back to life, he wouldn't give a shit, me, I would have killed the bastard for even considering the action.

Now I sit and wait again, writing in this book for reasons I don't even understand anymore, the pages are depressing and the thoughts behind it frustrating. Its getting harder to trust people again. I can feel the walls going back up, and I don't really know that I want to stop them. I let myself be open with Keelie, truly believing she cared, and look where it got me, right back into the gutter. All her promises, all her words, meaningless beautiful lies. Meant only to hurt me deeper in the long run. I won't call for her again. Not ever again. Even now I consider throwing the swords at Pariah that I made, and telling her to keep them, and tell the Swords to leave me and my father alone from this point on. To hell with the Temple, to hell with the Swords, to hell with everything other then me and dad. Though, where will that put me in the end?

[Eternally_Faithful]

So, Pneumonia sucks, the copper taste that comes with the cough sucks even worse. Dad has managed to do what was needed to get my life force back, and I am grateful for that. I am worried though. I think I scared Cele the other night when she actually came to see me, I started hearing that woman again, and even if its not real, it sounds very real to me. Dad tried so many things to fix it, I still have some of the burns from the pot. Though...its the old habit I have fallen back to that scares dad and I think Cele more then a bit. Pain numbing.

Growing up in a cage, under constant torture, physical, emotional and mental, you start to learn that physical pain numbs the mental pain. I can tolerate a lot of physical pain, not so much mental or emotional. Dad found me twice with different cuts, nothing too serious in my opinion, but they numbed the pain for me. For a while, I didn't have to feel Keelies betrayal anymore, I know he doesn't understand it, that he says I have to work through the pain, but when it gets to that point, I just can't. Not all of it all at once. Though I do wonder if being emotionless is easier? Shutting it all out? But then I shut out dad too, and I am not so keen on that.

I need to face Keelie, perhaps demand why she would betray me, considering I have done nothing to her? I also need to see Pariah, I don't know if I can keep trying if this is gonna keep happening when I make an effort to do better. I even made semi peace with Snacks and that was the hardest thing I had ever done myself. It took swallowing my own pride and ego and confronting him and the demons between us, letting go of the anger, the demand for vengeance, and honestly, it felt good to finally let it go. Though, this thing with Keelie, I need to deal with it, I cannot take the pain, and until I can handle it, dads not gonna like the outcome of it I think, but, I can't handle it all at once. Not like he and the others can, I just hope in time he understands how hard this is and why I need to numb it down. Guilt, pain, anger, hatred, fear, betrayal, I cannot do it all at once, sometimes numbing is the only thing that works.