Netheril : Age of Magic
In Character => Journals & Backgrounds => Topic started by: Eternally_Faithful on June 19, 2018, 09:40:06 am
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Birth Name: Trent Micheal Lormain
Adopted Name: Trent Dusdrassius
Age: 16
Race: Human (?)
Identifying marks: Covered from the neck down in scars and lacerations
Hair: Pitch Black
Eyes: Light Blue (?)
(https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/451282497498644490/458567932667101186/Trent.png)
(https://imgur.com/9XpL1Qb)
Theme Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9NStVkSCuk
Born in the town of Everfrost (which will one day become Neverwinter) to farming parents that never actually wanted children due to the raging poverty across the farmlands, they soon sold their son off at the first offer of five hundred gold to the Enclaves.
Ripped away from his home at the age of six, betrayed by those sworn to love and protect him, he began a life of torture, pain and experiments...the end results...well, as the saying often goes, monsters are often made, not born.
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A small brown notebook is found tucked away in his bags, literally marked as the Journal of the Damned.
What have I done for the sake of power? Many things I fear, bonding with a Demon willingly, murdering a woman, turning my back on a ritual to remove the demon, these are all things I have willingly done, as well as listening to the demon. I cannot trust anyone else but Pheroth now. He is the only one that has been loyal and true to me. Even Keelie I think hates me at the moment, Dame Lucil claims she wanted to help me, but like all the other fake Selunites, I doubt she will return my message.
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I saw Keelie today, she came to where I am now, we spent a long time talking and...she stirred something in me I long thought lost and buried...all before rekindling the pain that has always been. I asked her to come with me, for merely five minutes, a simple jaunt just nearby, but she wouldn't she had promised Rhod that she wouldn't as hes filled her head that I would kill her...I would never harm her, gods knows I have come closer to killing Edulis then I have anyone, and still never struck out....what I did the other day was survival related, nothing more. I didn't target her during the ritual when the Demon got me to attack them, and I wont start now. The pain though, it was very real. The reminder of why I should never open my heart to others, the moment you do, they stab a knife into it to remind you that you cannot be trusted or anything more then a distant connection. Why do I keep allowing myself to believe otherwise exactly? Why do I want to believe there could be more with her, a closer bond...someone I WANT to trust...Perhaps I really am just a fool? * wet smudge on the paper suggests either water or some other liquid momentarily dripped onto the page before it was closed off
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I have decided to truly let go, to free myself from pain and misery, no more people playing with my heart and head, using me as some pawn. Pheroth will show me the way to open myself truly to the demon, to fully embrace him and accept him as a part of me forever. There will be no turning back ever when I open this flood gate, it will require me fully embracing him as part of me, accepting the darkness and truly letting go, we will be one in every sense of the word.
I have tried to be good, I have tried to be a hero, I have tried to find a better path, yet every time I tried, someone or something has stomped me back into place, reminding me that I do not deserve that happiness, or to live free of pain and suffering, so instead, I will stop seeking it, I will embrace the "Monster" they want me to be.
Assuran knows I have tried, I regret killing that woman, and I will gladly accept real punishment for it, but not Hadrians, they would just kill me, no, that is not Justice. May Assuran bless me as I continue forth on this path, though, I am left to wonder how much longer he will accept me?
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I finally told her, I told her everything, but it was far too late. She doesn't love me, she loves Rhod, her heart belongs to him. A part of me I guess always knew, she would never truly be with someone as truly broken and damaged as I am. I wanted to always believe their might be a chance for happiness with her, but it was all a delusion. That is one thing the Netherese were right about. No one would ever truly want someone like me. Not my parents, not the Swords, and not her.
I returned to the cave in a blind anger, I think I broke my other hand, it really hurts and it bleeds, but well, at least it numbs the rage and internal pain for a time. I cannot blame her for wanting someone who can better take care of her then I ever could. She deserves better then a monster, even if she doesn't know how far I have truly fallen.
I accepted the demon, I truly let him in, when she told me she couldn't be alone with me, I became self destructive, and had Pheroth not found me, I would have done something far more foolish then breaking my hand. No, I accepted them instead. It was actually very easy to find and connect to them, then it was just a choice, and it was one very easily made.
Dame Lucil had her chance, the Swords had their chance...Keelie had her chance. There is no saving me now, I surrendered. I am done trying to be the good guy, only to be punched in the gut again and again and again. Its not worth it, I need to focus now on my vengeance, my pain and the end goal. I will serve my penance to Assuran for the womans murder. Not by Hadrians laws of course since those are corrupt as sin. Though I will ensure my own penance.
For now I should curl up with Pheroth, the pain and emotional distress has literally drained me dry, and the only rest will be found with him. Why do I need him to rest? I don't really know, but it is the only way I sleep peacefully, I would truly be lost without him. For now...we are safe.
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Two days now, back to back, two hundred lashes completed of one thousand, Lilah came to me today, she has refused to forgive me, actually hates me I think. The House is willing to consider my proposal, but they want me to show initiative and surrender myself directly. I likely will soon, but moving right now is painful, sailing would be hell. Pheroth won't be happy when he wakes up and spots the fresh lash marks, I already know this. Hopefully he isn't too upset, I don't like when he is. I will likely need to replace the carpet, this is twice now I have heavily bled into it, but no point until the ten days are up, which leaves eight more days. Admittedly, I am not looking forward to those eight days.
May Assuran oversee my penance, and forgive me where Lilah cannot, though I do not fault her. I deserve it and I do not pretend I don't. Rod made me swear on Keelie to turn myself in, I partly hate him for that, using her as a weapon against me. It was either fight him though, or agree, and I am in no condition to fight him. Hopefully, soon this will all be resolved, even if I will be in great pain over it.
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Today I surrendered myself for judgement to House Dukaruss, the outcome was very much cruel, I barely remember much of it, which dad...yes I am officially calling him dad now, he adopted me officially before leaving, he told me its likely better I don't remember it all, but he did tell me what they did. After leading me infront of the coin and having me strip and kneel, they viciously cut off my horns, then forced me down and cut off my tail, then kicked me in the ribs breaking them, they even offered to let the crowd torture me, I am banned from owning property in Hadrian as well as using their proclaimers. I only remember waking up in Pheroths arms back in our home, him trying desperately to keep me calm and ease the pain. He had to set my ribs back in place and try to keep me comfortable, not an easy task, that hurt like hell, I thought I was gonna black back out again. It still hurts to take deep breaths, but its better then it was, my heads pounding and I feel very nauseous from it all, everything hurts. But at least for now, the internal injuries are on the mend, even if it will be a while before I can wear my armor again, I can at least travel to Hadrian if needed. I slipped and started to call him dad when he was leaving and tried to cover it up, but he caught it and asked me what I was going to say, so I told him, he accepted it and called me his son then and there and honestly, I couldn't be happier with the outcome. Assuran knows I need a parental figure.
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Lord Assuran,
I Trent Lormain, do hereby swear Vengeance against House Reschotti and Nikita Petrov for crimes of torture and mutilation against my father Pheroth. I swear to avenge him if it takes burning the damned estate to the ground. Grant me the power to complete your vengeance in your name. Please aid me in this, that I might see them punished for their cruelty and inhumanity.
Signed: Trent - Vengeance Seeker of Assuran
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My vengeance has started, and gods was it fun watching Nikita on her damn heels when the demon came out, I lied of course and told them it was the Wrath of Assuran, who of course accepted my oath, I and ALL of Hadrian heard the three Thunder Claps after they finished cutting off his tail, I called to him, asked him if he wanted to come out and play with Nikita and the fools, only he had to free Pheroth first and focus on Nikita. He agreed and the moment he arrived he cut my father free and moved to her to kill her, I gathered my father and took him back to his house in Hadrian, carefully getting him patched up. He was in so much pain, I really hope Nikita suffered long term damage from that fight. I know her and the other adventurers won the fight against him, 12 vs 1, he had no real chance, but I needed to get dad out of there. I still feel the after effects, the nausea, the weakness, the drain, but it was all worth it. Perhaps today I will actually be able to eat something and keep it down. If they think the Vengeance is complete, oh how wrong they are, we have only just begun!!
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I lay awake beside my father, my mind wandering as the pain keeps me awake, the fever is gone, but still can't stomach food, not for lack of trying. He's still exhausted from the pain the other day, and then the mission right behind it, he tries to be strong, especially in front of me, but I know the pain hes in, they did it to me first after all. Sleep has been restless, nightmares of the events that happened to me, though I try not to wake him right now. Just stay curled with him and try to keep him comfortable too. He has suffered a lot the last day and he does need more rest then usual.
I have family finally, part of me still wants to hunt down my birth family and make them pay, but then I look at him and wonder what the point even is, they didn't want me, I wonder partly what they would think of me? Would they hate me for what I have become? Would they think me a monster like everyone else? Would they even recognize me? I don't think they would to be quite honest. The question remains, why do I care? Is it because they are my blood? Loose ends? Or something more?
I still remember reaching for them, screaming and crying for them to help me, to take me back and protect me, the many many nights in pain, crying, begging and pleading for them to come take me home, that I would be a good boy, a better son, anything if they would just come get me. Of course, they never did. I look at myself now and see a scarred mess of a youth, one that is mentally behind where others are not, dad says it can be a good thing, but I can also see where its very much a bad thing. I struggle to understand and work with others even my own age. One that isn't extremely patient with me gets annoyed fast which of course upsets me. I may be 16, but I am far from there mentally. Will I ever be "Normal"?
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Day three of no food, nothing will stay down and not one damn inn serves stews or soups. Dads gonna try to barter for some beef and make a stew, then at least if I cant keep the food down, the broth is still there. At least it should help with my recovery, I think the food currently is too heavy so my body is rejecting it, then again not eating for three days will do that to anyone I think.
The nightmares keep coming back, now I remember exactly what happened with Dukaruss, not only did they cut off my tail, he sawed it off with a sword, that's why it hurts so badly. Serrated the edges of the cuts. I may actually have to look at regenerating at least my tail. It won't heal properly this way. I hope its not infected.
At least for now I can get into a robe more easily, Keelie managed to reduce the pain in my ribs and speed up the healing a bit, should make it harder for them to shift so easily. So at least thats a thing for now. Still need to get in touch with the Demon, see what the price will be to fix everything, my tail, my ribs, the horns I can do without, though the nubs up there feel very strange, sometimes a bit painful.
I may try to reach out to the Clergy of Assuran soon, see if they can help with cleaning up the vengeance due to these places. For now, off to make Stew!
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The stew worked, cant eat the meat and veggies yet, but the broth at least stayed down, thats gotta count for something I think. Nightmares are still present, it got so bad that dad had to move me back to Sullivans to get me out of Hadrian just to make them ease off. Apparently once there and with him, I was right out of it. Was a little surprised to wake up there, apparently he carried me all the way and I didn't even stir once. Three days of no food isn't fun. Its actually very draining.
People love to shame me for trying to be comfortable, I am only just now getting comfortable in my own skin and being insulted for it is painful, yes its a loincloth, but barbarians wear it, prostitutes often wear less, so why am I shamed for it? Is it just that I look like some freak? Or is it their own insecurities?
Dad says to ignore them, dress as I feel comfortable, so I will, and if I choose to wander dressed like this, I will then and everyone else be damned!
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I met a paladin today...I think it was that Arthur guy I was told about. We were in Hadrian and the first thing he did was glare at me, I don't know why I lost my nerves, but suddenly I felt very nervous, weak and sick. When he approached I wound up hiding behind dad as the man spoke of purging us, I could feel myself shaking as he continued after us. I tried speaking up once about demons and devils at war and he literally snapped at me calling me a fool. Eventually I completely lost my nerve and told dad I was feeling sick. He quickly took us out of there.
When we got back home, and had the fever medication back in me again to reduce the fever, we started talking about the past again, and I told him so much more about what life inside the Enclave was like for me. I don't think he was very happy with the answers. The torture and punishments they put you through. The many times I begged and pleaded to be saved from that nightmare, which was in vain.
Dad promised it would never happen again, that I don't need the demons power but force of will. Sadly I don't agree, the pain and fear is too much, I am tired of living this way, cowering from those that seek to hurt me because I am not like them. Being called a monster because of what the Enclave did to me, that I never asked for. If they want me to be a monster...maybe I should just give them what they want?
// OOC Song connection to Trents mood and feelings: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t47fADGOaxc
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How far will one go to protect the few they love and cherish, how far would I go? Would I throw my own goals, dreams and aspirations aside for my father, surrender myself to pain and torture for him to keep him safe. Honestly. The answer is a simple yes. I know he's worried, but so am I, I cant handle seeing him in pain like that. There is little I won't do to prevent it again. Even if he pleads against it. I must protect him.
I pray he can understand this, that he forgives it and can find reason. He would die to protect me without a doubt, as I would him. The choices before me is obvious, even if it hurts me, or scares him, I cannot let him suffer, I won't let him. I can only plead for forgiveness and pray he understands why I am doing it.
I love you father, your all I have, and I won't lose you for any reason.
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Promises...promises of a better future, of acceptance, protection, do I dare believe them again? Can I believe them again? Arthur promises so many things but can he really make it happen? I want to believe it, I really do, but I am hesitant to trust again. Its not the first time the swords will have turned me away. Can I risk opening for them again? Dads skeptical too, they have done little to earn our trust, Snacks even stood and watch them saw off my fathers tail with no regard. No one but me would stand against Nikita. Can I trust this will be any different?
Even now I wait for Arthur to arrive, dads willing to hear him, to get this done properly and see what he really has to say. I won't make the decision without him, hes the only one I truly trust in these matters. Its hard to trust anyone else. Perhaps its why I have to be so guarded. Because pain is something I cant tolerate. My heart hurts enough, I don't want more pain, or betrayal. I am willing to try...I just don't want to get burned again.
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I'm no longer sure whats worse, the nightmares, or what I see even when I am awake. She won't stop, I have seen her twice now, but I am not sure if its only me, or if I am being visited by the woman. I used to think so, but now...somethings wrong. People don't drip blood down their eyes, mouth and nose and sink into the mud like its nothing. I lost all nerve instantly when that happened. I barely slept, every time I shut my eyes, she was there again, mocking me, taunting me.
I don't even know if I am losing my mind, or its real, or its just me. Maybe I deserve it? I don't know but, many people kill, murder, torture, and they never see any of this, so why me? Why do I keep seeing it? Why does it keep tormenting me. I can't sleep, even with dad beside me, I keep waking back up with nightmares or just seeing her again. It needs to stop. Maybe Cele or Keelie will have an answer? Maybe?
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People make monsters, this is what I told Arthur, every time I go to Hadrian they remind me of this. Yesterday was first a group of sell swords hired to threaten my father into denouncing himself as a Priest of Amauntor, then when attending Chesters group, the priest there tried to force it. I scared many when I allowed the demonic presence to have room within the Temple. The fires all grew hotter as I threatened the Priest that he had lost Assurans friendship and I proclaimed him a false priest.
By the time I stormed out, I think I had caused as much unease on them, as they had caused on us. I had to go home, I wasn't asking dad anymore at the moment, I told him we were leaving Hadrian. He tells me I need to be stronger in will, but he doesn't realize how much I fight back the demons to not let go, to not burn it all down around me, to not kill again. The soft whispers to make them suffer, to make them pay, to watch them scream as they watched us that day.
I hate going to Hadrian, I hate those voices, and I hate more and more that they are right. A part of me truly prays Arthur can make my terms work. Can he though? Can he stop this and try to make it right before the monster truly breaks free? I want to believe he can, but I won't be the one reaching this time. They must if they truly want to help me, I won't be burned again.
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War, the one thing that can destroy families and lives in an instant. Today I sit like many other sons and daughters waiting for one of two things, dad to come home, or a notice of death to arrive, though unlike most soldiers, I don't have a mother to intercept the message, to break it softly if it comes to it, to help me mourn and grieve. It is only me. Dad promised it would be okay, that he would be back. How many other fathers promised that today, and won't make it home to their children, on either side?
Even now father protects Hadrian, the city that betrays him again and again. Why does he protect them? Why bother when while he is weakened, they are there to kick him again and again? It's not fair that I have to worry and panic for him, while they use him as some tool. Yet I cannot tell him not to go. He will not hear me about not going, he wanted to go. For several reasons perhaps, but I still hate that he went.
Please...just come home dad....please?
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My deepest and darkest fears came true. Dad was betrayed in the field by those he should have trusted, Snacks and Rassali cut him down and the Legion arrested him. I only found out cause Snacks told me he was being held...of course, in fear I lost my temper and sent out a death threat across Hadrian, I was alone, scared and in a corner on my own, which is when Arthur showed up. Hes the only one that other then dad has made an active effort to reach out to me. I thought he was there to kill me, but he instead reached out to help me, even got me to see dad, but I had to make a public apology too. Dads at home now with me, but the Reschotti have a collar around his neck to make sure he comes to trial tomorrow. I don't wanna lose him, hes all I really have.
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Dads trial is tomorrow, but I can hardly sleep, I'm too scared to look away and realize he's gone. Dads gonna stand trial, face the liars down, do anything it takes to make them realize he is not the villain they make him out to be. I have finally convinced Dad to accept Assuran though. He doesn't need a temple that will backstab him at every turn, Assuran is always there. So as he sleeps tonight I prepare this prayer and these blessings, may his transition to Assuran from the false temple go smoothly.
Lord Assuran,
My father comes seeking you for guidance, acceptance and vengeance, he has suffered much injustice and is truly in need of the Doombringers guidance in his struggle as well as in meriting out true and proper vengeance. Accept him to your clergy, teach him a better way, guide him in your wisdom and show him how to enact vengeance without falling from the path into temptations.
Teach him forgiveness, where other gods have failed him, or perhaps failed even themselves in their duties, that they may be forgiven and his heart may begin to heal and he can finally learn true faith again.
Teach him mercy, that he can look past the sins and see the good in people as I even struggle with. That he can help me as I struggle in the path before me.
Teach him irony, that his vengeance may be poetic but always justified.
Most of all, teach him how to move on from the past and begin to live for US. Because I know hes in so much pain, he cannot even truly express it. Please help him find himself and the path back to the light. He's not perfect, but you sent him to me anyways. I have to believe a part of you sent me to save him as much as he is saving me.
Amen.
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The entire night in prayer, praying to Assuran for guidance, help, reassurance, but I am unsure of the outcome. Dads still asleep as I keep checking on him now and again, though I am not sure anymore if I am doing it for his sake or mine. I wanna have his faith that it will all work out, but I just can't draw on that strength he has. Another weakness of my mental youth? Or just weakness in general? I really don't know, I can't sleep, I haven't even told dad I haven't eaten anything in nearly three days, but the hunger just isn't there. The sight or smell of food just makes me ill.
I just want the nightmare to be over, the pain to stop and for a few days, quiet in our lives, to live like normal people do, why is that so much to ask? I wanna be free to be a kid, not scared all the time of losing him, or the enclave coming after me, or someone trying to kill one of us. Why does no one understand that? Arthur seemed to, he seemed to actually care a lot, he reached out to me while I was entirely alone, I think he truly felt pity for me. I don't wanna know what might have happened had I been left to fall apart.
My faith in him is growing, I honored my word to him as I always keep my word, I posted the apology, and was truly sincere about it. I lost myself the moment I thought I lost him, I couldn't handle it. He is everything to me. Can people really not understand that? Snacks and Rassali and Edulis, so proud of themselves, so arrogant, I expect it of Edulis, but Snacks? Hes a Knight, shouldn't he be acting you know....good? Not murdering a father that just helped fight the gnolls off? I don't know. I really don't anymore.
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A few more hours, barely two and I watch to see my fathers fate, I try to remain strong infront of him, try not to allow the real fear to show, but how can I be strong when every part of me feels sick and weak. He has found Assuran, though hes nervous, though I know Assuran watches over him, he did when I called vengeance for him, he knows dad isn't bad, just misguided. Even if he never accomplishes these...strange long term goals, I will support and protect and love him, hes just hurt, scared and confused.
I want so much to have the faith he does that things will turn out, to hold hope in a better future, but given my own past, the pain, the experience. I have a hard time believing anything will ever get better for me. Hes the first and only good thing in my life, I had hoped for a while Keelie would be the second, but that was never meant to be. I don't fault her though, no one wants someone this broken.
How many more times will I lay broken and bare before others. Watching, waiting, pleading for others to realize what they are doing is wrong. I don't know but I will keep fighting. Im not even sure if I am still wanted in Hadrian for the threats I made, I have yet to run into Nikita, but I doubt if I do it will be any good. I just want my dad to come home. We don't need to come to Hadrian for things.
I dont know what I am gonna do if things go badly. I asked Keelie to come to the trial for moral support, but she refused to promise, I haven't heard back from Arthur, so not sure if he is gonna come. If they don't and things go bad, I don't know what I am gonna do. I really need the support, I just hope they let me stay with dad during the trial, at least that would be a bit more comforting then being separated entirely.
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Assuran has answered us both today, no matter what people tried, the cases were all thrown out. The only thing they could hold my father on was poor character, which while not a crime in itself, he is to be overseen by the Swords, and cleansed. Whatever that means. I asked for the sentence to include me so that I can stay with dad. Its been very strange since then.
Snacks started by barking orders that we were gonna follow him and that was that and too bad. We immediately waited till he left then went home, I shortly after contacted Pariah and arranged a quiet meeting with her that has literally turned into a full nights talk from the heart on both of our parts. She seems to semi grasp that I am immature mentally, but it still seems a distant thing for her to fully grasp. I joked that she wasn't used to handling someone of my mental development.
We agreed mostly that Snacks needs to tone down a bit, but I am gonna have to try to work with him. Its going to be tense, I'm not gonna pretend its not. I used to really like Snacks, he was my mentor for a time but after my poster, he didn't even wanna talk to me to even hear me out. Why I felt that way, why I had changed suddenly. I honestly think in the month I have been here, this is the longest I have been alone with Pariah. I am starting to remember what I did like about her, she has flaws but don't we all?
I admit I am very nervous moving forward, but I don't wanna lose dad so, the option is this. For now though he lives, so do I, and for now at least, we can be happy, and at peace. Hopefully. I know Pariah is set on me learning more who "I" am. Honestly I cannot answer that yet. I don't know who I am under all the scars, pain, hatred and...self hatred. I know who I wanted to be when I arrived. I wanted to be like them, strong, independent, powerful. But I was turned away. Do I dare set such goals again? Hold such a belief in such again? I don't know.
Either way..I think I have officially exhausted the poor Dame, she looks very tired. After a few days without sleep and being basically unable to eat for the last week, I know I am feeling the side effects of it. Dads already noticed the weight change and is not happy at all. Maybe one day, Pariah will come to understand truly...why I hate the Netherese and why I am stuck on vengeance, one day I will tell her, but not today, today I think I have truly overwhelmed her, and she did tolerate my dad pretty well, I am proud of them both for that.
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Today I ventured to House Dukaruss, I asked for some leniency on my sentence regarding the proclamations and I am not sure if it was made worse instead...I literally have to announce it as I, Murderer, Trent wish to declare...its a nightmare. Not one I openly wanna use unless I absolutely must. Dads gonna flip for sure. I hate it, but what more can I do? I still cant believe how the trial went. I'm just glad dads okay, and I managed to get some sleep, still cant eat though.
So far the day has been very quiet, so I have been basically wandering on my own, thinking and trying to do things. Though I feel the drain and dads not home, so rest really isn't an option because when I lay down, I won't be able to sleep anyways cause hes not home. Long day, longer one yet to come I would imagine. Hopefully it will be very peaceful for a while now.
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Things keep changing, im trying to do better as a person, so is dad, but no one wants to let us. Even Pariah wasn't happy with Rhods stunt yesterday of showing up and picking a fight, gods he even verbally attacked me right infront of her to the point she had to make him leave. I am trying to do good, I am even almost finished her requested order of 20 exceptional swords. Apparently after Rhod left us yesterday, I had another of my panic attacks and actually passed out. Dad panicked and sent for Keelie, Rhod took this as an order from dad, which it really wasn't, the Temple of Amauntor demanded they work with us. I am trying to work with them, and help my father work with them, but as I told Pariah..they need to make the effort and stop pushing at my dad like that, it won't work otherwise.
I am trying, Assuran knows I am, I have already sank more then 9000 gold into these swords, as well as the containers to hold them. If thats not dedication and devotion, I am not sure what more it would take to make them see past my skin and eyes. Hopefully the Commander will be far more reasonable this time. At least Pariah will be there when I offer the blades. I wouldn't want to do it alone. Not with the hatred I got last time for trying to join them.
Dad finally realized I don't look at reflections, called me out on it asking about it, and I told him, I hate what I see. He really didn't like that answer at all. I haven't been able to look at myself in a mirror since I was eight. I can't see doing it now. I hate what I see when I look in reflections, I hate who I am and what I am, I don't know if its what the Netherese programmed me to see and believe, or its just me in general, but I cannot stand seeing myself.
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Another day, another drama, dad tried so hard to keep things peaceful, but as always they blew up in his face, his first mistake of the day was going through Hadrian to the Wombrie woods. I hated stepping foot in town, but he insisted saying it was faster. The moment we landed, I knew something bad was gonna happen. We made our way there meeting some naked "nymph" as dad called her. She was attacked while we spoke to her and I cut it down. Then she fled and we made our way to the tomb he wanted to investigate.
When inside we were besieged by undead of all types, one type kinda looked even a bit like a Knight. I focused on front lining things till we came across a room with an altar in it. Thats where everything just kept going wrong. First the altar sent me flying back into the door, still feeling that and movement hurts a lot. Secondly was dad picking up that strange skull before this guy showed up. He said we were stealing it, being the warrior I stayed between him and dad to protect him, next thing I knew, I hit the wall and was waking up with Xavier over me and dad still talking to him.
Then it gave him a strange order, and took half my life force to ensure dad completed the order. Dad has ten days to complete it, thats not very long. Dad was heartbroken seeing me, the blood, being unable to move easily. My back and head have been killing me all day so I have been trying to stay resting, I have easily passed back out several times today in exhaustion.
If theres nothing more to add, at least I am finally done the Swords blade order. I loved the work, and the devotion to go into it, I just hope the Commander accepts it and perhaps even me. I won't know till then but heres to hoping right?
-
A full day of resting, off my feet, relaxing my back, dads making a hot pack for my back really dialed back the pain, I can't even begin to believe how much or how long I slept. I must have passed back out three or four times on him through out the day. I was actually even hungry by the time I woke last. I know dads rather worried but I needed time to rest and recover, I didn't even want to do anything last night, just remain curled up with him and rest. I know it worried him though.
I can feel the drain where the creature took half my life force, maybe its why I am so tired? I don't know. I still haven't heard back from Pariah yet, perhaps the Commander is busy. I'm still hesitant to go see him I admit, it leaves me rather unnerved as I watch and wait for the time to meet him again. I am unsure how that will go. At least now my back isn't literally screaming in pain at every movement, dad will have to remember this trick for next time for sure.
For now though, dads still asleep so I may as well rest again while I have the chance.
-
Now even Keelie has betrayed me, I called for her, needing to speak with her, she wouldn't even dignify me with a response, I spent several hours out there waiting, not a word was sent to me, I thought she cared about me, but apparently I am disposable now that she has a fiance. I have tried to respect her, love her, care for her, to let her in. Clearly that was a mistake. Even Snacks had the decency to show up. Yeah...I actually spoke to him today too. Now she avoids me. This hurt, right to the core. I haven't done anything to her to deserve to be shunned. I have and would have given her everything in life that I could. Apparently though she has proven, contrary to her words, I don't mean a god damned thing to her. Just usable to build up so she could shatter me more then anyone before her. Why again do I keep trying?
Dads asleep, Pariah won't be awake yet, Snacks doesn't trust me, I haven't seen Arthur since the trial..so who do I go to now? What do I do when everything is dark? There is only darkness ahead of me, and pain within me. What did I do to have her turn her back on me? I would never do that to her. I don't doubt her fiance had something to do with it, he hates me, I don't even know why. Why keep fighting? Why keep believing anyone cares? All they do is build me up...to slam me back on the ground.
I can hear the Doctor laughing at me again, commenting on my weakness, that I allowed myself to become vulnerable again. Why did I let her in? Because I fell in love with her? Because I wanted to believe she was different? Because I truly longed for a companion? I don't know, but its sound proof I was a fool to think there would be any real difference. I won't make that mistake again...no one but dad gets in that close...not again, I won't allow anyone to hurt me like this again...not now, not ever.
-
Fate seems against me tonight, first Keelie stands me up entirely, no word, then Cele can't make it, though at least Cele had the heart to at least forward an apology to me that she had to miss me. I truly believe she had no choice but to miss it. Can't eat, can't sleep, dads sound out, and no one left to turn to. Seems I am stuck again here with my thoughts and with the Demon, though he isn't helping things. Ever reminding me that Keelie betrayed me, that she never cared about me, just used me like the Enclaves did, some test subject for emotional gain and support till she found something better.
Why is it those that say they will always be there, are the first to lie? Why lie to me? To build me up to watch me fall, to break any last shred of hope and dignity I have? Love is clearly a weakness that will always be exploited for other peoples gains. I don't pretend to know what Keelie stood to gain from all this, but she has proven to me that my love was worthless to her. That Rhod was more valuable, even though if she was murdered and at least brought back to life, he wouldn't give a shit, me, I would have killed the bastard for even considering the action.
Now I sit and wait again, writing in this book for reasons I don't even understand anymore, the pages are depressing and the thoughts behind it frustrating. Its getting harder to trust people again. I can feel the walls going back up, and I don't really know that I want to stop them. I let myself be open with Keelie, truly believing she cared, and look where it got me, right back into the gutter. All her promises, all her words, meaningless beautiful lies. Meant only to hurt me deeper in the long run. I won't call for her again. Not ever again. Even now I consider throwing the swords at Pariah that I made, and telling her to keep them, and tell the Swords to leave me and my father alone from this point on. To hell with the Temple, to hell with the Swords, to hell with everything other then me and dad. Though, where will that put me in the end?
-
So, Pneumonia sucks, the copper taste that comes with the cough sucks even worse. Dad has managed to do what was needed to get my life force back, and I am grateful for that. I am worried though. I think I scared Cele the other night when she actually came to see me, I started hearing that woman again, and even if its not real, it sounds very real to me. Dad tried so many things to fix it, I still have some of the burns from the pot. Though...its the old habit I have fallen back to that scares dad and I think Cele more then a bit. Pain numbing.
Growing up in a cage, under constant torture, physical, emotional and mental, you start to learn that physical pain numbs the mental pain. I can tolerate a lot of physical pain, not so much mental or emotional. Dad found me twice with different cuts, nothing too serious in my opinion, but they numbed the pain for me. For a while, I didn't have to feel Keelies betrayal anymore, I know he doesn't understand it, that he says I have to work through the pain, but when it gets to that point, I just can't. Not all of it all at once. Though I do wonder if being emotionless is easier? Shutting it all out? But then I shut out dad too, and I am not so keen on that.
I need to face Keelie, perhaps demand why she would betray me, considering I have done nothing to her? I also need to see Pariah, I don't know if I can keep trying if this is gonna keep happening when I make an effort to do better. I even made semi peace with Snacks and that was the hardest thing I had ever done myself. It took swallowing my own pride and ego and confronting him and the demons between us, letting go of the anger, the demand for vengeance, and honestly, it felt good to finally let it go. Though, this thing with Keelie, I need to deal with it, I cannot take the pain, and until I can handle it, dads not gonna like the outcome of it I think, but, I can't handle it all at once. Not like he and the others can, I just hope in time he understands how hard this is and why I need to numb it down. Guilt, pain, anger, hatred, fear, betrayal, I cannot do it all at once, sometimes numbing is the only thing that works.
-
The betrayal was worse then I thought, it wasn't just Rhods whining like a child as I suspected, Snacks ordered it. I will have to speak to Pariah, its done a lot of damage to me and my father. How could Snacks truly think it would do otherwise. Then to say my emotions and feelings mean jack shit in comparison to the others? Now I really feel like I am back in the enclaves. I thought these were supposed to be great Knights, not brutal thugs. How does a compassionless jerk become a Knight? Knights are supposed to mean something, at least in any story I have ever heard of Knights. I have to know whats going on, its hard to even accept all this. Pariah has to make this right. Someone has to prove these Knights are more then just heartless thugs.
Apparently I scared dad when I went completely out of it after the talk with Snacks. The pain quickly became too much and I shut down as always. I was forced back to awareness by pain which always seems to bring me back from those thoughts. This stress isn't healthy, every time we seem to make progress to make my life a little better, something happens to slam me back down. I'm not even hungry anymore again, there's no desire to eat anymore and no care.
Dad and me just spent most of the night trying to bring me back around emotionally, but there's still some rejection to it, accepting that Keelie is gone is just too much to take in all at once on top of everything else, never mind that my emotions don't apparently matter at all to the Swords, I'm just some freak monster that should be treated as one. Guess I held out too much hope for them really being heroes and true Knights of the stories. I begin to question if the Knights I always heard of and dreamed of, are even real, or just stories.
-
I saw Pariah today, she said she was gonna try and fix what Snacks did. She knows how badly I need Keelie in my life, she doesn't have to answer dad, and dads not to call her like that again, but cutting her out of my life is very painful for me and I can't handle it.
I also saw Keelie today. My heart practically jumped out of my throat when I saw her, the relief instant. We spoke for a full day, and she learned my darkest secret, about my worst habit when I get overly stressed. She didn't get mad or upset like dad did, she actually seemed rather understanding. She promised she would keep seeing me, so long as messages like dads last one wasn't repeated again. I promised her it wouldn't be, dad panicked and made a bad call, but she understands why he did it.
She still wants to purge the demon, and made me promise never to use it to protect her ever as she doesn't trust him. I can understand the hesitation so I agreed for her sake and to make her feel more safe with me. She trusts me and I trust her. It feels so much better to have that weight off my heart now that shes back. As I told Pariah, I need Keelie in my life, she is exactly what I think of when I think of a Knight, kind, caring, compassionate, upholds morals and valor, she will one day change the Knights for the better I think.
Keelie gives me reason to fight the darkness, to keep hoping for a future where I don't have to be afraid anymore, I made sure today she knows that fully. I do not ever want to lose her like that ever again, it scared me and left me deeply wounded in ways I could not process. The new scars she saw made her cry when she saw them, I instantly felt guilty yet I can't just stop, its not a habit that's easy to stop and it really does work.
I have a new assignment now, a Shadow Iron Exceptional Flail for the Commander. Another gift of offering for him. Hes not willing to see me just yet, but he at least took notice of my creation of the swords that I had made and offered. Its a start. Its better then the start he first gave me. I think Pariah really does care, she has a great way of showing it, she even hugged me today to try and make me feel better when I told her what Snacks had done.
I'm not allowed to leave the cave now, dads orders, the pneumonia has hit a peak and dad wants me on literal bed rest until he says otherwise. Even if it means most of his time will be devoted directly to staying with me directly. He has said all the Swords stuff, Keelie, everything goes on hold until I am better, I don't blame him, the coughing is near unbearable.
-
Its amazing what two days of sleep can do for someone, especially as sick as I was. Though the cough is nearly gone and I am glad for that, will mean I will be off this medication soon, it tastes horrible even with the added berries for flavor. Dads kept fairly close to me during all this and its been nice not having to worry about him, though I know something is stressing him, and I am not sure what but I won't press yet, he doesn't think I have realized it, but I am far more aware then he realizes.
My armor crafting is improving, I am getting very comfortable with helmets now to a point I think a bit more work and I will be able to work on Shadow Iron helmets and maybe one day finally forge my own master crafted plate and tower shield. Its been a lot of work and very expensive for sure, though I think in the long run it will be worth it. I'm just not sure what I will do when I do master weapon and armor crafting. Though I do still have an order to finish when dad will actually let me travel beyond the iron mines again. He doesn't want me going beyond there yet until I am stronger.
The stress has been gone since speaking to Keelie, I don't feel that dark burden anymore over me and I think that's a good thing. I know Rod hates me, even though I don't know why, hes one of the very few who openly admit they understand my mental standings even though he seems to forget it every time we talk, if we talk. I do need Keelie there though, shes a greater support for me then almost anyone outside of dad. Dad I find vastly important to my growth and development, though Keelie I find spiritual connection to. Hopefully this continues to work out. I may even go to the abbey today while dads out to try and reconnect there.
-
I spent most of today at the Abbey, praying, seeking guidance and perhaps a new path. Dad showed up later this eve and started talking about going to Hadrian..he knows I hate when he goes there. He promised me we wouldn't step foot in Hadrian again, not after what happened last time that almost cost me half of my life, if not eventually killing me. I got upset typically and pushed away the food he tried to press which caused it to fall over and spill, then he snapped at me for it.
Hearing him snap like that, I immediately broke down. I can't handle him being angry with me, or snapping at me, I know he immediately regretted it when he saw my reaction, but I couldn't help reacting that way. Emotional and mental distress I cannot handle, physical I can take at any time.
Now I sit here, waiting for him to return, praying I am wrong about this bad feeling that likes to loom in my heart every time I hear he's going there, I guess the promise was worthless about us never going there again. Not the first time I have had promises broken, I should be used to it by now I guess. No ones immune to saying what someone wants to hear, promising them something to make things seem better then they are, then throwing them away when its not convenient anymore.
-
Its been about 2 days since I have had much to write in here, but for the lack of the two days, today's update is one to remember. I found myself back at the Abbey, seeking prayer and further insight when Pariah showed up. We spoke about my crafting, my dads issues and how to proceed in helping him, thankfully she is very willing to help. We spoke about my connections with Selune and my progress, and where I should go next and even the Demon.
That's when the most amazing thing actually happened. A silvery light appeared before Selunes altar where I had been praying only a few hours prior, out from the silvery light came a divine creature of pure light, even I knew then, Selune was answering me.
The creature told me she had heard my pleas and that if I sought to continue her path, I needed to seek out the family of the woman I had killed and seek redemption through them. This task will be very difficult, likely forcing me to do many things I will hate, especially being in Hadrian at all, but it is the only way to move forward.
I asked for Selunes guidance and it would be wrong to ignore her now that she has officially answered me. Soon after the creature left us behind and I was left to my thoughts with Pariah and Father Dich. Father Dich admitted he didn't originally have much faith in me, but with Selunes presence speaking for me, he was willing to reconsider. He took off his holy symbol as he approached me, and clasped it around my neck. I admit it is very comforting to have a holy symbol back around my neck.
Shortly after he went on his way back to prayer, I left the Abbey and made for Hadrian, spent some time speaking with Keelie and Snacks, seeking their aid as they are more connected in Hadrian then I am currently and, with my hesitation in being here, it makes things harder. They have agreed to ask around and if they find the family first, to ask their blessings to tell me where they are. While in town I also made a point to stop and cast my vote as appropriate. Now to head back home, before dad worries too much.
-
Well, things are going smoothly if a bit slower then I would like, but like many things this will require patience. I have found and met with Chester, he is looking into his contacts and will get back to me as soon as possible, he is thankfully not nearly as judging as some of the people of Hadrian, I think I could actually get to like him. Snacks and Keelie are also source checking into things so, one of us is bound to find them. Hopefully. As Snacks said though, if they refuse to see me, then at least I will have made the effort, its all I can do, and I hope its enough for Selune if that becomes the case.
The cough seems to be completely gone finally, which I am very glad for and my ribs are, I think, fully healed. So thats a plus, they don't hurt anymore so that can only mean good things. I have made one decision recently though and figuring out how to do it will be the hard part. Removing the Demon once and for all. This time, he wont sway my judgement. This time, I have too much I care about losing to let go of. It will likely be very painful and possibly even dangerous, but I have to protect my father and Keelie. I have to try.
-
Things keep getting weird, first was Nica being in the Sullivans craft hall, literally interrogating me about my old scars, she even managed to get my demon out to speak with her....from what I gather it told her everything. I don't trust her with such secrets, but now more then ever I can't make her an enemy. I will have to keep a close watch on her, but its good to know she was lying about her bedding Keelie. Likely just trying to get under my skin.
I'm waiting to hear back from Chester regarding the next step of my redemption, the Archon said that he was the one to speak to, so now I wait for him to gather more details. I wonder what they will want me to do, I hope nothing that will compromise my beliefs. I won't know till then though.
I have started working on dads heart, the part of him he keeps closely guarded even from me. He doesn't mean to, and I know I cracked it today. Dad fell into my old habit of wanting to run away from the topic, I let him for now not wanting to press too hard too fast. We will get through this though, and I know I cracked it, so hes not beyond pulling back from that darkness. It will just take a fair bit of patience and work. Likely, several such conversations like the last one. Getting him to slowly open the door and be willing to look inside and actually experience the emotions.
-
I hate keeping things from my father, but this letter from Nica demands I see her alone, I already know if I tell him he will instantly forbid such, but if I don't then she might rat me out to the Enclaves. Damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I will see her, see what she wants, then tell dad about it. It will keep the peace even if he's not truly happy about it. I know he would forbid me to see her without him. Try to protect me. I wonder what she wants this time? I have already caught her in two lies, what more does she want from me other then to cause more pain?
Dad at least seems to have slept well. He seems far more relaxed then before. I wonder if the talk we had last night helped any, opening that door may have released some pressure that had been sitting for a long time. I really hope what I am doing helps in the long run, though I know hes gonna fight it in the beginning, just like I did. Its painful to confront those memories and emotions, to feel the fear and pain once more. Its easy to hide in the darkness and pretend it doesn't exist.
The problem is in hiding in the darkness, we lose sight of whats good and whats real. Our actions become based solely on survival at all costs. Not minding who suffers or gets hurt in the long run. Keelie and Arthur and Dad stepped up to help me when everyone else had given up. They refused to let me be lost in the darkness forever. Had they left me to it, I likely would be gone now. Forever lost to a greater darkness.
I have seen the darkness first hand, how easy it becomes to justify vicious acts of cruelty with a wave of the hand. Murder was easy until it came to facing the consequences of it which I still need to answer for. Hurting others and lashing out was easier then accepting I could be wrong, it was easier to project the pain onto others, then admit I was lost and needed help. Its been a long struggle and fight to move past the pain and try and find a way back to the light. I'm not there yet, I can still feel times when its easier to surrender to the pain and the darkness, to give in to what would be easier. It can be very tempting honestly. Yet I know in backsliding in this, I cannot guide my father from it, I cannot gain the freedom I truly seek from it all, and once again just become another victim.
I cannot and will not become their victim again. May Selune guide me, and help me guide my father in freeing him from the very same darkness, before he is lost beyond reach, for I fear I am the only one that truly cares enough to see past his darkness, and keep reaching. If I don't, he will truly be destroyed.
-
So a few things to update,
First off, Nica did exactly what I feared, blackmailing me into serving her or else she will rat me out to the Enclaves, she also forbade me to tell dad, though she didn't forbid me from telling the Swords, Snacks, Keelie and Rhod and Raul already know, and waiting on Pariah to report in to her. I will not be someones dog on a leash, I already escaped that and I am not as weak as I was before my escape.
Funny enough, I may have found a solution to my Demon issue, his name is Masqualyn, he is what is known as a Dark Elf. Very exotic looking and a priest of Vhaeraun, he has run some tests already to see how the demon responds to things and thinks he may have a way to actually be able to remove him.
I offered him a key to my home, its the least I can do and we outsiders from the general people need to stick together. He seems very friendly if a bit lonely as he met me on the boat, I have never seen one of his kind before though he seems very interesting. Hes promised to tell me more of his culture at some point, like this trance thing..cause elves don't sleep, they can apparently have a form of nightmare, but are always well rested. Also in their culture wearing less is a sign of power cause your showing you don't need armor and wards to protect yourself. I admit I am very curious.
For now he has gone wandering the night, content to have a safe home to come back to out of the sunlight that hurts his eyes, wonder if its a sun allergy. I know what it feels like to desire a safe home to come home too, I hope he feels safe and secure here. Its the least I can offer after all.
-
This will be my last entry, even as I write, I am cold, I can feel the strength draining from me even as I don the armor. I won't be able to wear it long, its weight alone causes me to bleed more. Though I will need it just long enough to get to the safety of the Abbey, one last time.
Snacks, Rhod, Rassali, they have murdered my father. This time though, he didn't come back, and nothing we did worked. He was beyond saving and out of our reach. I spent hours on the bed with him, begging, pleading, desperate for any proof they were wrong, listening for his heart to once again start, but in the end, it was for nothing. I made the final letters I needed to, one to the Dame Lucil, one to Dame Pariah, one to the Moonglow family and this final entry.
I also ensured that Masqualyn inherited my home. The Sullivan has promised me so long as Mas follows the laws, he will be protected as a citizen and incharge of my old house. I hope he enjoys it. I have him all my Shadow Iron gear.
the writing on this part of the page becomes shaky as if struggling to stay focused, blood smearing on the page.
I must get to the Abbey before my strength finally fully fades, I want to be close to Selune, to feel safe again even if only for a brief time, but I know I am running out of time. Do I hate the Swords for what they have done to me?...At one time, that would have been a very simple yes, yet now, I must say no. Snacks and Rhod seemed very angry individuals, suffering their own issues that made them blind to the pain they were causing. I pray Selune will grant them mercy.
It seems I am docking at the old wharf, and with my strength failing, I don't have time to write as much as I would wish. So whomever finds this journal, please, remember that mercy and kindness, goes further then shunning someone, an open door can lead to amazing things. Finally...to Keelie...I am very sorry that Rhod is gone. I wish I could be there to hold and comfort you as this news reaches you, but sadly I cannot. Please be at peace, and know I still love you. Even now.
Signed one last time: Trent Dusdrassius...formerly Trent Michale Lormain.
The book is left on the ship for someone to find, though Trents body is not available to anyone without DM Blackhearts prior approval.
// Took me a long time to find a song that suits the closure of Trents and Pheroth in the way it did, but I think this song really touches home for the two of them - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gq-4vIIJO30