[Ritu]

So much success as of late - at least for the most part. Many meetings attended and even more of them arranged. It’s definitely more difficult to work with ease without the time to unwind, but what’s my choice here really. I’m not going back to the bottle, that never helped in the first place.

I’m quite tired but it’s of no matter, I feel joy in knowing that the festival is going to happen, and all is going so well! Dangerous at times, yes, but as a Slaver I took on the beast hunting duty too. Come to think of it, it should be the -only- thing I do. Heh. Perhaps I should be lazier, but then my place would not be proudly in this House. I love it here.
The growth of my House’s reputation and the overall satisfaction of the general public and nobility due to the event is going to be worth it, though personally mostly I look forward to the fireworks. I’m going to watch from the lakeside, glancing one time at the rippled reflection, and the other to the blazing shapes in the sky. I wonder if there will be someone by my side.
Ah, what am I thinking. He won’t come unless I’d beg him to. And, maybe… hm, maybe. But I don’t give it much of a chance.
Who knows, maybe Mendel will throw me at someone during the Great Midnight Dance like Neasa suspects.
Maybe I can at least hang out with her and the brothers, that way we have two dance pairs there. At least we’d get to have fun.

Should I come in a meeting suit, or in a dress? I changed up that midnight blue one I had on the night Sjach and I… the gala and what came after. I shouldn’t be keeping reminders like that, but oh he surely looked gorgeous in that suit. My dragon. Probably not anymore, though.
The sudden void… no, not sudden. I’ve seen it coming but averted my eyes from the truth. Only thing I got were lies about how much I mean and whatnot. After I stopped coming there on my own, not a word has come, and I bet not a thought either. I suspect now he’s at his cave, counting treasures with that loveable grin of his. I brought him enough it seems and now I’m unneeded. Arthur said it’s gonna be my House who discards me, but oh how wrong he was in his sharran marketing speech. How very wrong.
I wish it hurt less, knowing it was never real and that I’m not even worth of being told it’s over.

Does me being able to provide for us both weigh down so much on the little scalie? The more I managed to do, the less confident in himself he seemed. And is my ability to take care of things going to scare away anyone else who might happen to be interested in the wreck I am? I suppose yes. It wouldn’t be my life if it had something nice in it for longer than a while, for a duration of a lie.

Love. At least I got to have a taste of it, of the feeling akin to a fresh mountain spring water. With rich but neutral taste, pleasant, refreshing and somehow cleansing in feeling, taking impurities and worries away as you get lost in its nuances and subtle variety of the sensations that only grow with every passing day.
Despite losing it, I hope the memory of this feeling will remain in within me so there is something lighting up my way forward, no matter how faintly. And perhaps I’ll recognise it once more.

[Ritu]

High investments hope for even higher returns.
But what to invest in now?

The thoughts swirl and churn unending as my mind races every night I lay down in my bed at the Estate. Alone. Thoughts drifting from one to the other, barely focusing on the work itself which is usually part of my evening thoughts… but not as of late.
An encroaching, alluring scent of a fresh prey that drowns the senses in the feeling of novelty and unknown. To get a bite, a taste, a little something. Something that cannot be, shouldn’t be. Though the little taste I got brought me some sort of an anchored feeling…
A little grain of peace, a thing so precious now that the feeling of being balanced and valued has disappeared from what I used to be, and still am, in.

Regarding that - Neasa’s reply came in today. With my hands, unable to stop trembling, I opened the letter and in that moment my anxiety dropped down from me. She doesn’t mind. It’s okay to do it when the time I won't be able to continue comes. Now, I feel more free. And I got in the mood for something, a little escape from the confining walls and elegant velvet suits.

I opened my eyes and watched the moon, felt the wind slash against my skin.
Ran, I ran with Arak and his pack until I ran out of breath and we had to stop by a pond. The reflection of the starry sky, gentle colours of nebulae and the massive orb of white light. Only a dark silhouette of me against it all, with my hair falling free in a smooth, wind-grazed cascade of black. Watching it all, catching my breath. I felt powerful and free again. Maybe not exactly powerful, but capable. It felt so cleansing to shed the manners and trained posture, the obligations and duties. At least for a while, for a short hour in a short night before coming back, passing the cave that once felt like home on my way to Hadrian.

[Ritu]

A dance practice. Of course.
The dance of whatever is starting to unfurl its petals, a stability in the true independency. The risk of trusting, of sharing what has not been shared before. Bittersweet sip of wine, an intact chocolate cake.
To get lost in paradise. Freshness, a lush foreign land, the blue of the sky, an unexplored wilderness for the senses and mind. A slow dance, it could last for a week or could last for months until we wander towards the core.
Trust and ease. Bare nudity of the heart, not one of the body. Nothing to shield against.
It might be wrong, but it feels right as we lose ourselves in paradise.

Thoughts and options. Being told again, this time by a different person, that I should do what I long for. Fortunately, the only meeting on today's schedule has been short and to the point, with the manager of the Theatre about the planned stage and the possible plays. Both before and after that however, the topic of the dragon still weighed on my mind.
After the meeting, on my way down in the airship I have fully decided. I’m having no more of this.

Familiar port, familiar creatures and a familiar path. Steep ascent and a gate, with small shuffling noises echoing from the large hall.

I explained to him that I can’t go on like this anymore. There’s enough on my plate as it is, and having to be anxious about every single thing while I’m around him… I can’t live like that. To fear having to visit someone and then act as if everything’s perfect to keep others from having concerns.
And truly, I have done it purely for my own sake, regardless of the timing of it. I’ve been pondering on this for weeks, ever since the weight of it started to grow, and grew to the point I felt tired all the time. My service to the House and my health have to be a priority, the first can't flourish without the latter. Therefore, a time has come for the final farewells, and for no more gentleness. And for the one last time, I walked out of the place that once upon a time felt so, so safe.

Finally free. Yet here I am, hiding in the bed with its sheer curtains blurring out the world, curled up in a ball with only the heavy covers anchoring me in the present moment. Numb. Did I win or did I lose? Beyond my recognition. Despite it being faded and nonexistent towards the end, there was once care and love.

…And no one can be allowed to see.

I thought it would be easier. But such is the path I chose.

[Ritu]

The day has come.

It was time to leave an intimidating sum of money at the bath house - a bath, a massage, and a hairstyle with the red rose from Retz braided into my hair. Few finishing touches, dark blood lipstick, and I was ready. I couldn’t possibly be happier with the outcome.
Royal, elegant, stunning.
Let me represent, with perfection and grace.

Festival was as hectic and fun as could be, with minor nuisances being swiftly taken care of by the alert guards. Besides having fun with my colleagues, Retzlaff and some others, I was lucky enough to be spotted by Neasa and hang out with her after long weeks! I am happy she found herself a good half, even though she says it's still early days. I'm glad - and she, of course with a laugh, told me she's going to be happy for me as well when I decide for something in that chaos of mine. At least around Tenshi I can be sure.
Even the Lords decided to come out and hang out with the citizens - despite likely overlooking the heads of other noble families, she and I met and talked with Lord Reschotti and Lord Dukkarus at the meal sample tables. Both of them were quite at ease with one another, and the lighthearted mood soon spread and blended the lines between statuses.

Unexpectedly, Sjach has come to see the festival as well. He left me with a bag, containing… treasures. Ones I shall keep and cherish, and a note. He and I also talked. On the little boat adorned by candles and a snack plate, we slowly talked. Remembering the good times, knowing it was special. Slowly I rested my head on his shoulder and he leant his head against mine, as the nervousness passed and in the end, we were simply there.
It was the calmest time I had in a long while. No thrill, no chase, no words, no motion. Simply, peace. And the safety I remember so well. A worthwhile reward after the whole month of preparations, even if only for a single evening.

A mosaic casket, with fragments and gems. Shaped flowers, prismatic glint, wishes and aspirations.

- And so she read, dark hair spread over her back, sitting cross-legged on the private Estate bed. With soft silk, dark wood and sheer curtains around she hid from the world, into another one.

"I knew I wasn't worthy of your love, Nor was I ready to be the one for you always,
But I am glad that you are happy,
I am glad you are doing this for your self,
I always only want to see you happy, even if it is without me in it,
I am sorry for all I have done and I hope you forgive me.

I hope you find some use in the things I gave you in this bag may they keep you safe,
I hope that life treats you well and so do the people in it,
I hope you become more then you have ever dreamed about.
I also hope that we will meet again, but most of all I hope that isn't on the battlefield,
There is nothing left for me to stay around for, So this will be the last you hear from me.
I hope that there isn't any bad blood.

Once your little dragon,
Sjach'Vivex."

A mosaic casket, hiding gems and dreams.

- The following new morning meant an end to her haze, of the dream of the colorful lights shining in the night sky. The rising sun brought along with it a new workday. And she, ready in red and black, set the flowers aside and has ventured into the Plains.