1

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Eliezra Baldwin's File

« Last post by Fiverine on Today at 08:46:51 am »

I had my first encounter with the raiders of the army Lauriella warned me about.  They were pursuing some women fleeing from a village which the raiders had just torched.  They ignored my pleas to simply turn around and leave and made threats to drag me off and I was forced to fight them.  Though strong and resilient they bled like any other creature and I slew them.  I am told they are clones and mutants, bred for nothing but cruelty and war.  Yet, I must still offer them the chance to mend their ways even if none take it. 

A mage fairly new in town but personable, Kizurra the White, has also been trying to recruit me for the war.  She was more determined than Lauriella but I still refused.  I don't want to be on the frontlines, whether as a soldier or medic.  I need to be here in Conch to protect the shrine, Sister Mylene, and the people of Conch.  Already we have had refugees arriving in the slums so I need to continue gathering bandages and food for them while I still can.  We must give them support and hope lest in their desperation they be drawn to Diiri's Boys or the Kolumbos. 

It sounds as if another tournament will be held in the slums arena again soon.  Hopefully we can save a few poor souls from dissolving on the grate...

2

Public Notices / Re: Issues of the Conch Champion (For public reading)

« Last post by Fiverine on Today at 06:25:11 am »

The Conch Champion.  Independent & Accurate, Always.

Exclusive Investigative Report
Reporter Peela Krellin has concluded an investigation into the strange artifacts known as "soulstones" or "soulgems".  I commend her courage and diligence in this matter.

-R. Hurstport, owner and acting editor.


Stealers of Souls
Those acquainted with magical artifacts will surely already know of or have encountered the unsettling items known as soulstones.  To the uneducated, one of these would seem to be a pretty gemstone of moderate value.  But in truth they are disturbing creations into which the soul and essence of a killed sentient creature has been bound.  Activating the stone will cause a magical effect, usually a physically enhancing one, but this can only be done three times.  On the third use, the stone will crumble and the soul bound within obliterated forever.  Most folk would consider such a deed utterly abhorrent, and yet increasingly these items are appearing in our markets.  So presumably some have no qualms about their use. 

The rulers of West Conch, Diiri's Boys, have effectively used these soulstones to seize and retain their dominance of the slums.  As District Authorities, that is entirely their right and their business.  But one would have to wonder if their use by the Boys has played a role in these once rare items being regularly found in the Conch area.  If the soulstones were to be entirely in the hands of their employees perhaps there would be little cause to worry, unless you were their enemy of course.  But increasingly soulstones are falling into other hands. 

A concerned parent recently wrote to this newspaper saying her child found one when collecting rocks.  The parent accidentally triggered the stone's power.  Initially confused, they were horrified when they took the soulstone to a priest who explained the nature of it.  The parent was frightened that someone would come after them or their child for having possession of and using such an item.  Adventurers have also been known to collect or carry soulstones, either to use them or hand them over to priests in hopes of releasing the trapped soul.  They have been finding soulstones in the possession of monsters and bandits.  Many sellers in the market district told this reporter that more soulstones than ever are being sold to them by adventurers, scavengers and traders.  Interestingly not all of these soulstones are genuine but many are. 

There is little consensus on how these soulstones are made, or by whom.  Evidently Diiri's Boys have some insight into their creation, but it is also likely that any powerful arcanist could learn the necessary artifice.  It is said that rival gangs are also seeking the secrets of their creation.  But should such cruelly created items be allowed in the possession of anyone outside District Authorities?  Do religious institutions have a responsibility to intervene when the destruction of souls is the ultimate result?  I make no judgement, but simply report these facts for the reader to decide.

-P. Krellin, reporter. 

3

Public Notices / Re: Rumours, Gossip and Whispers.. ((DM Posts Only))

« Last post by Master_Sarevok2021 on Today at 06:22:53 am »

Rumors spread around the lands near Sullivan and beyond towards Conch and Hadrian. A new tribe of gnolls has appeared. They make no parley with Sullivan, though do not earn his ire either. Instead they hunt the woods and lands, butchering monsters, beasts and others of their kind from lesser tribes. One noticeable factor is that these gnoll stop to eat those they fight so that they might rush into battle with blood on their maws.

No one knows who leads these gnolls, but it is clear that the land will be changed by their arrival.

4

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Lauriella Sithiir

« Last post by Winterhawk99 on Today at 01:46:57 am »

          Lauriella wakes up in her bedroom There are a crowd of people in her cramped quarters. Cyr is sitting in a chair holding her hand. She looks around to see John, her first mate, who looks not more than 20 years old now. There is a moon elven priestess of Sehanine there along with a stoic looking Sun elven male in what looks like some form of official robes.
      She tries to sit up but Cry pushes her back down. “Captain you need to rest.”
     “Screw that, Cry. What’s going on and what are these elves doing on me ship? Her eyes soften a somewhat and she asks if everyone is, ok?”
      “Aye, Mrs. Lauri everyone is ok and these elves are here to help.” He turns to the elves. “My pardons Chancellor and Dreamwalker. Captain Sithiir was always around humans most of her remembered life.”
      The sun elven gives him a slight nod, “We know. I have seen and given my council to Dreamwalker Tra’ia.”
      Lauriella looks to Cyr for an explanation.
     “This is Dreamwalker Kaylea Tra’ia and Chancellor Elural Mer’ra ambassador to Ascore for the empire of Cormanthor. They came as soon as they knew an elven archmage was in trouble.”
     “It’s just stress how long have I been out?”
     “Two weeks, captain. I turn back to Ascore soon as you fell. Everyone has been worried about you.”
     “TWO WEEKS! We have to get back there’s war brewing. The cities need supplies.”
     He squeezes her hand, “Captain. You need to listen to them. But I wanted to say. Your theory of a potion of youth was right. It healed the men from the chronomancy sickness. The elves procured them from their capital city.”
       She looks at him queerly, “And just why would Cormanthor help us?”
      Cyr puts his head down giving the chancellor time to speak, “To be truthful archmage Sithiir, your lieutenant traded your technology for it. He thought you were on your death bed, and in truth you are in a way. Or should I call you by your countrymen’s title Hemet Netjer?”
      “Just call me Lauri.”
      The dreamwalker whispers to the Chancellor, “She is the mother now. I can feel the change when she woke up.”
       The chancellor nods and again concentrates on Lauriella, “Lets start with the good news. Your men are free from their time displacement. When we came at the behest of the government of Ascore as soon as we saw your ship and its technology. The handheld sextets, the construction of the ship itself, what it was made of, The water clocks and other instruments so far in advanced to even our own we knew we had to get our government involved.”
       Cyr whispers to her, “You should see their ship. It flies and looks like a giant butterfly.”
       She looks a bit distant for a moment and looks back at the chancellor, “Anything else you stealing from me?”
        He clears his throat in some irritation, “We were privy to your spell theories, Mrs. Sithiir and we had to go into your thoughts and memories. I have a good grasp on enchantments and went into your mind to try to heal you and found out about what’s going on with you………Why you had a seizure.”
      “Well go on then. It’s not like I had a choice, did I?”
      This time it is Kaylea who speaks. “Mrs. Sithiir you were never cursed by the gods. Your problems are in two parts. The injury to your head some two centuries ago your time and your memory loss. Which was intentionally caused.”
      Lauri just stares at her with her mouth open.
      This time the chancellor speaks. “When I went into your mind, I found your memory was locked by powerful enchantments. I was only able to unlock a very small part of your memory. See if you can think back to the day you woke up.”
      She closes her eyes and thinks back. “I feel a searing pain in my head. Sand under me. I hear the surf. I lift my arm and find my head is wrapped with bandages. There are open clams on a log beside me and a canteen of water. I try to get up and end up spitting up bile from the pain.”
      The Chancellor nods. “Now try to think back just a little further.”
      Lauriella attempts to think back further and for the first time sees and feels a vision. “I’m laying on my side. I feel nothing, cannot move my limbs. A giant insect comes into my view. It looks….looks like a giant metal dragonfly. It lands about 50ft away.”
       She pauses a moment giving time for the chancellor to say, “It’s a machine called a damselfly. Go on I have seen this memory it is one of only two I have been able to unlock”
      She concentrates. “I see a strange woman come out of its belly. She is tall and wears the robes of a Mulhorandi enchantress. She………She is Hemet Netjer but also has hair Long silver hair and her skin is sky blue………I have never in my life seen someone like this. Is this a celestial or something? Her eyes are silver. She’s bending over to  my ear.
      She’s whispering something, “Lauri, what did you do to yourself? I don’t know if I can fix this, but I will try. I am so sorry, but I must make you forget me to forget all of your past life. You must forget all the special magic I taught you. You would not understand but I as all my people are hunted. I cannot have you knowing me after this. If you live go and make a new life.”
       Lauri pauses and then says, “She’s making a circle around both of us, and she has a diamond….she’s casting………….It’s dark.”
      She looks up at the two of them confused.
      The Dreamwalker speaks. “We believe the person you saw as something that is called a High Ogre. They are very magical creatures. Most now live on the astral plane where magic is unhindered. A few come to have their children here meaning Toril where it is relatively safe for them being that they are also natural shapechangers. Those that hunt them for their skin or to enslave them have a means to see through the shapechange but hardly come to toril to find them.
       We believe she was your first teacher in magic. We also believe she is the cause of your memory loss.”
       Lauriella rubs her forehead, “Why would she do that I am of no import to the greater scheme.”
     The dreamwalker frowns, “All under Sehanine’s light are of import Lauriella. To answer your question as far as we know it was to protect herself. She was in her true form so you must have known her true form. Therefore, you may have been a threat damaged as you were……are.”
       “What do you mean are?”
      The chancellor looks to her sadly, “And here comes the other problem, Mrs Sithiir. What you did damage with your head injury. Try as she may and with as much expertise as she may have had this person the enchantress could not put your skull completely back to wholeness. She left tiny bone splinters in your brain.
       It is what gives you your multi personality disorder. Its also why you have an iron will like a trained monk and your general emotions are dulled.”
      Lauri looks at Cyr and slaps him, “How dare you! I trusted you to keep my secrets!”
      Kaylea rushes the ben and pins Lauriella’s back against the headboard by her shoulders. “Calm down or I’ll make you sleep! It’s not your lieutenant’s fault. If you need someone to blame, blame the chancellor.”
      She stares daggers at the Dreamwalker, “I always know who I am.”
      The Dreamwalker stares into Lauriella’s eyes with both sternness and pity, “But you cannot help be the representation of the clothing you wear. Now you are the mother, there is the Captain, The engineer, the maiden, the necomancer and others in your head. You compartmentalized your brain to these things so you could maximize the undamaged part of it. Even if you didn’t know it. It is a brilliant survival strategy. May I let you go now, Hemet? Or will I have to sedate you?”
      Lauriella’s shoulders slump, her face reddens from grief and guilt. She turns her head to the side not wanting to meet anyone else’s eyes. She breaths heavily and wipes a tear from her eye before she turns to face them again, “So I’m insane. You going to take me to some prison for people like me now. Take me from my home?”
       The chancellor smiles for the first time, “On the contrary, Mrs. Sithiir. You took charge of all of this and leaned to handle it. We would like you to come to Cormanthor for us to study you. It would be a grand help for others with disabilities similar to your own.”
        “Sir I have supplies to get to Hadrian and Southbank as soon as I may. There is a war coming.”
       “You need to hear me out first, Mrs. Sithiir. Those bone splinters have been migrating deep and deeper into your brain. That is why you had your seizure. If you continue in your stressful life as an adventurer. They will migrate all that much faster. You will be dead in 2 to 5 years.”
        “Now that I know what’s wrong, I am sure it can be fixed.”
        The Moonwalker shakes her head, “Mrs. Sithiir. The injury was so long ago that your body thinks these splinters are a normal part of your body. No amount of healing, regeneration or even death and resurrection can heal them. If you continue to adventure you will die within 5 years. If you don’t, you may live another hundred or hundred fifty years. No more.”
      Lauriella looks downtrodden.” I would like everyone to leave now. I am tired and need to go to trance.”
      Cyr looks to her, “Please let me stay, Captain. I want to be here if you need anything.”
     Lauri just huffs and lays back while Cyr again takes her hand. The others quietly leave to the stateroom.

5

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Lauriella Sithiir

« Last post by Winterhawk99 on December 04, 2021, 09:43:20 pm »

     At 2300 Lauriella locks the rutter and helps the crew set up tables on the deck of the moonflower along with a circle of chairs where more can be added when needed. She then hands the wheel off to her 1rst mate John Calandro going to her bedroom to wash up quickly and dress in her working clothing.
    When she comes back up the anchors are down and most of her shift is sitting around drinking surprisingly Cyr is there along with five of his crew. She greets them and sits down. Cyr leads them in a short prayer to Selune, Reflection begins with Lauriella telling her men a story.

     Cry then stands. “I had me a great uncle lived near a fey wood. For all I know he may still be there. He’s a crotchety old coot and a warlock to boot. Well, I visited him just before I come to Mulhorand to sign with the company, and he told me a story. So here goes.”

    “He heard something outside and being no one visits him he walk out and find another moon elven. She was a pretty thing with bright red hair and green eyes. Surprising really since most us moon elves don’na have red hair.
     So, he take his pipe out of his mouth and asks her, “What does a young maid such as yourself want with an old elf such as I?"
     "A place to stay for a few weeks, months, until I am done with my tasks. I have trade coin."
      "Have no use for trade coin here girl. You'll have to do better than that."
     "In my studies I have heard that warlocks like to conserve their energies. I could light the fires. clean the house do all the things a maid does while staying. Also, potions to ease an old one's bones. I could also make a good meal: save you from the day-to-day chores."
     Well, seeing that she wore a certain pendant of a sect he knew she was a vegetarian. "No meals from you, no, thank you girl. I like a good rabbit with my breakfast. I don't suppose you be willing to get me one. Besides that. I hate the taste of mushrooms. What's your name?"
     She narrows her eyes. Her fingers go into a pouch. He takes note of it without moving, "Rosemallow."
     Now me uncle new that was a bold-faced lie. So he say, "Don't want the name you gave yourself. I want your given name, girl?"
     "Aiauta."
     Well, my uncle seen a lot of things being he older than most the trees in the forest. He knew she was something like royalty in another kingdom from her name which translate roughly to something like royal transmuter.  "So. You are Transmuter Or will be when the time comes."
     "H...…….How! Are you...……" He waves her off, "No, I'm not. I'm just old and seen more things than most. You can stay. You can stay if you go and do all those things plus two more. First, Tell me what you really doing on the reaches of the fey wood. Second, I want you to teach me a few spells. Of your magic not the elven magic or the damn magic the humans embraced. Your magic in your language. That's my price. Take it or leave it, princess or whatever you call yourself nowadays."
     Well, that young maid she frown and concentrate a moment thinking about it. Seems this sect of elves keep them magics real close to themselves. At first, she tries to divert him. "There are no princes or...……." But he cuts her off.
     "I'm losing my patience, girl. What you here for?"
     Knowing she lost the argument that girl just sighs and says, “"I just want to bake some apple pies."
    Well for a moment me uncle quite confused then remember she a transmuter and gives off a hearty laugh pointing his finger at her. "Transmuter! Right! can't get a simple spell to work for you. Ha! I'll enjoy this. You can sleep on the couch. Remember your promises to me. Don't suppose I could see you for real from under that spell you got on you?”
     "No. It isn't in the contract, Warlock."
     "Didn't think of it till now. Alright set yourself up. You can stay."

     My uncle watches her the next morning place a fresh pie onto an iron plate and places a cage of dwarven craftsmanship on top locking it down with wing nuts. She takes it and starts to walk off the porch.
     "You think you'll even find them, princess."
     "They can't resist."
     "It'll be cold for they smell the damn thing."
      Her eyes turn to him. She smiles and touches the iron plate saying an incantation. The plate starts to glow red. cooked apples and cinnamon fills the air, along with a hint of nutmeg.
He takes the pipe out of his mouth and points it at her, "Human magic. I thought better of the great sorcerers."
Her eyes sharpen a moment. They become angry, " They are their own people. Unique in their own way."
     "Maybe you don't remember lassie. Too young. But I remember. They will always be little more than animals.”
     My uncle remembered when humans weren’t so civilized. “It does not matter the humans can and do enslave themselves showing they barbaric. They are weak and short lived. They don't have time enough to find the greater things in life. Think that fancy cage going to stop the mad fairies do you." He chuckles and waves her off.
She turns her head rather sharply and walks into the woods. Late in the evening she comes back pie in hand still in the cage. She finds him in his rocking chair smiling, "Don't worry princess. Eventually they will find you."
     "Stop calling me that! I'm no princess."
     The old elf smiles and places his pipe in his mouth, "Well now you done for the day there you can start to keeping your promise here."
     For two weeks the young moon elven bakes a pie in the night goes out with it in the morn and comes back late afternoon. My uncle taunts her with a whole array of discussions. He offers her venison, insults her intelligence, her cults customs. Every night she ignores him goes in and does the housework as if she lived alone.
       On the 15th day she comes back pie in hand covered head to toe in mud. The cake also covered in mud. He laughs, "Finally find them did you. I don't see one with ya, princess."
     "I still have one thing old elf of the woods."
      "What's that?"
      "I still have my pie." giving him a wicked smile, just before she goes in the door and shuts it."
     "I expect you be cleaning up all that mud young lady!"
     The next day she comes back drenched. Some parts even show a little more than they should. My uncle laughs hard, "Aye you a true beauty, princesses and I see you don't have your pie this time do you."
      "Nor they old elf. It dissolved. Too bad for them."
      The old man laughs as she goes in the door.
      The next day when she comes back the warlock laughs even harder. Her hair has been turned to leaves and she doesn't know it.
     "What are you laughing about now."
      "Now there's a sight to see a wild elven princess with the hair to match."
       She feels her hair, sighs and shakes it. The leaves turn back to the silky red hair she came to him with.
      The old elf laughs, "Now that's the old magic I'm interested in."
      She prances up the stairs to the cabin, "As you well know old elf. You can't have that one piece of magic."
      "You still have a promise to keep, princess."
      She turns and walks in the door.
     For another three months the young elf comes back partially charmed, bedazzled, once naked except of course for the pie, "Got to hand it to you, princess. You got spunk. So, what do you have to wear now? You keep going you won’t have any clothes and have to live like a nymph."
     "I have more clothes and; besides, I still have my pie."
The old elf just shakes his head as she goes up the stairs trying to hide herself with the pie plate.
      Then one afternoon everything changed. She comes up the path and upon her shoulder is a creature the size of a cat with butterfly wings. long slim leather straps fall from its ankle. It’s platinum wings fluttering time to time for balance. The young moon elven walks up to my uncle with a proud smile upon her face. The weird dragon like creature munches sticky apple pie from her fingers.
     He smiles at the young elf, "So you did it princess. Finally got one of them to join you. Have you made the bond yet?"
     "Her name is Nym."
     "Thought I saw a gold tinge in the wings. good on you. Expect you will be leaving soon. there is of course the question of final payment."
     "I know." She walks in the door. A half-hour later she comes back ready for travel with two scrolls in her hand. She hands them to the warlock, "I trust you can read them?"
     Undoing one of the scrolls he studies it intently, "I'm rusty of course but yes, I can read it."
     "I'll be going now." She starts to walk off the porch when the old elf says, "Hold on just a moment, there princess."
      She turns around the dragon aggravated by the swift move unbalances her. She lands in the dirt. Both dragon and elf laugh. She dusts herself off, "What is it?"
      "Just so happens I got me something that's more important to you and yours than me and mine." He pulls something out of his vest carefully wrapped in parchment paper and extends his arm for her to take it. She walks back up the porch accepting it from him.
      Opening it up she finds an ink well. She examines it and looks to him mystified.
      "There are some things more important than magic young lady. That is an ink well taken from a plantation by a slave over a thousand years ago. Maybe two thousand. That ink well started a revolution that was the downfall of an entire race. Look at the bottom of it.
       The woman looks to the bottom and is stunned. Tears fill up her eyes as she traces the runes that mark a name in an ancient language, "Thank you."
     My uncle smiles, "I knew you had heart princess. Good that you relish the past too. Wasn't mine to keep you know. Just waiting for the right person to come along. Now get you going off my property. No need for one such as you lingering around seeing what I be doing at night."
     She throws a kiss to the old elf, turns and makes her way into the woods with her new companion. The old warlock sucks on his pipe and smiles for the quiet company these last few months.

     “I think he told me that story cause it’s a story of persistence. She stayed with him for months and would not give up until she got herself her little pet dragon. Don’t think I told that one yet but being our situation, I think it appropriate. And if I hadn’t been persistent in officer school, I would not be here with all of you now. Glad he told me that story.”
      The rest of the circle raised their mugs and glasses then drink to him as he sits down. Lauri stands up.
      “We sailors often lose sight of persistence. I know I do. We all know the say’in when the ship sails all debts are paid, but sometimes……….”
      Lauriella’s glass drops out of her hand. As the glass breaks upon the deck her eyes roll to the back of her head. She falls to the deck in convulsions.   

6

Public Notices / Re: The Webberman Horde: Rules, current status and all things needed to run a war

« Last post by Master_Sarevok2021 on December 03, 2021, 05:32:25 pm »

Troop spawns:

Unit blocks will spawn a number of their respective units on the front assigned. This will likely be a set amount for tier 1s based on 1d cr/1.2 + commander lvl rounded up. But we will probably change this. Still considering tier 2.

More info to come

7

Development Ideas - Feedback / Re: Monster/Creature Re-Balance

« Last post by Gorga on December 03, 2021, 04:17:58 pm »

The Wood of Witches should be scarier. It should be a place that no sane person would want to go. It needs scarier spawns, maybe some planar creatures as well.
Especially, the Coven/Caves area.

8

General Discussion / Retiring Lauriella

« Last post by Winterhawk99 on December 03, 2021, 02:47:15 pm »

     I will be retiring Lauriella very soon and finishing her story. I thank everyone who made her last server such a wonderful experience. I will be taking some time off from Nwn but will continue on discord.
     For my novel fans I will be working and finishing the last novel in the Childern of Hell trilogy and I will be making a fan fiction novel on Lauriella's life ventures throughout her life and career on Toril. I will be using some creative license as always when I write her book and will include all the pcs of others unless the players wish not to be in the book or books. (I am not sure I can present her entire life in just one book)
     If anyone does not want their character in this or these novels, or wants the name of their characters changed who interacted with Lauriella: Speak now or forever hold your peace. I do not want to put someone else's character in a novel who doesn't want their character within it.
     Everyone I played with and who dmed me were absolutely wonderful and I am honored to have known and played with you. I'll make a new character after I am finished with these novels.

      Thank you all
       Winter

9

Public Notices / Re: Rumours, Gossip and Whispers.. ((DM Posts Only))

« Last post by Master_Sarevok2021 on December 02, 2021, 10:05:04 pm »

With the slow arrival of groups of refugees fleeing something called “The devil queen and her monsters” it is clear something is raising along the outskirts of Conch and other bastions of civilization.

For many of these refugees they find themselves pushed to the slums; of which the gangs both approve and resent as they get new members but so is their competition.

Still there is a slight light of hope. A cleric of Illmater and her congregation have been busily bringing in supplies to a well stocked soup kitchen and has become something of a tent town where beggars not wanting to join the gangs can at least have a warm meal and someplace safe.

Some of the gangs however grumble and speaking of “another gang coming up” when small shipments of clubs, sickles and a few lumber axes seem to be delivered to the slums under the eyes of the said cleric.

10

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Lauriella Sithiir

« Last post by Winterhawk99 on December 02, 2021, 09:23:58 am »

   Lauriella is disappointed as she loads but 25 tons of supplies from Ascore. The shipping lanes are mostly closed as winter storms drive most cargo and caravan merchants to port for the winter. The Moonflower was designed to the best of her ability for all contingencies except for breaking through winter ice. Luckily with the Mythallars spread across the narrow sea she has not had to deal with that. but she has had to deal with a surprising number of squalls. She has been delayed in both acquiring a full load of goods and by weather. She will not return without a full load so she decides if she cannot in Harborage, she will sail south to Zenith to pick up the remainder. Zenith is a farming community and will have much of what she needs for Gabriella and the whole of the southern cities.
     Near dawn the last of the shipment is loaded and she sets out of harbor working her way around the dwarven stone ships. A few miles out the sun breaks the horizon and she hands the wheel to Cyr as the shift changes. She goes down to her stateroom and washes herself with sponge and a bowl of clear water in her short clothes. When she is somewhat clean. She goes to her mirror and studies herself for near 15 minutes and makes a decision. Going to her bedroom and to her writing desk she pens an entry into her old private journal.

     Wisemen often say that life is a journey of self-discovery, self-understanding. Since my accident. Since I knew the memories of my early years would never come back, I have little time to explore this concept. There was always a need for my services when on land, A company to build and rebuild here, A wife and husband to please, A lost love to write, log entries, paying employees. Sailing to make profit.
     I have always wondered why I am so different than everyone else. Why am I so religious? Why do I change slightly by what I wear? Why sometimes so drastically with the seeming inability to control it. Why always seeking out emotional support and relationships? Why I am hardly affected by fear. Why at the same time being humble before the gods yet arrogant towards other mortals depending upon my dress.
     I believe I have found the answer and this answer frightens me. I believe I know why Jeri is so obsessed with destroying me. I believe that in a way I am a reflection of him. A reflection that chose a different path that although I could become just like him, I chose a higher path. Instilling in myself such discipline in my life while being flexible with others that I do more to the good than evil in the world. Where he has given into the depravities of self.
     Sometimes it's hard to look oneself in a mirror when knowing the truth and the truth came to me as I studied my own magic made by another. A copy of myself mixed with demon blood. Is not your own magical signature a mirror? A mirror more exacting than any piece of glass? For your magic comes from your soul and mind.
      My magic is so cool and analytical. There is no true passion in its wielding. There is no heart put into it. Someone once told me that magic is a tool. The tool can be used for good or evil. Every spell including undead necromancy is merely a way to do good or evil in the world, and in certain circumstances evil magic can be used for the highest of purposes.
     In part I believe this. I make use of demonology because I have not found its reverse in gating in creatures for, I have never found a name of an appropriate creature from a higher plane. That does not change what I have seen in myself.
     Understanding self is a two-edged sword. You see all your higher attributes of soul however you see the depths of your own insanities, your own faults and misguided ideas.
      Everyone wonders of self and why the way they are from time to time in life and I have asked these questions without truly exploring as most people do. I believe I have some understanding now. The reasons why I am so attuned to the positive and negative planes. For they are pure energies. why mathematics plays so much within all my magic.
     Mathematics, physics and engineering are combinations of unfeeling and cold hard truths. It either is or it is not. It either works or does not. All quantifiable by cold hard equation. A tradesman, artist breathes life into what he creates through passion of dream. This I cannot do. Thus, I am like very much like the one my friends and I ultimately seek to destroy. It is why I seek love and relation wherever I go so seemingly passionately. It is why I seek mates of honor, courage and have a deep bond with society. It is because I am always in need of a mate to look up to. Someone better than I. I am always in need to feel those strong feelings for love of another. Only once did that happen. It was with Alluin who saved me along that shore in the Dalelands. The one I Truely love and will wait for at the entrance of the gates of the moon. Yet now I even question this love for is it truly love or some concept that I have conceived to delude myself.
     I must feel love on some level for every time I think of this upcoming war, I see Ava's body broken and lifeless on the cobblestones in front of the palace of Arabel. I still weep for her two centuries after. I fear that one day things will be too much and I fall into my depravities much like my adversary has. Denouncing the gods, only thinking of self and self-interest without any regard for others. These thoughts prey upon my every waking moment now. My trances only go back now to the memories of my mistakes and willing machinations against others for the so called good of the community. Were all these things truly for the good of the community? I cannot assess this at this time.
     Time will tell what becomes of the rest of my life and where my soul goes. The only thing I can do is but move forward with this new awareness of my maladies. I pray Sehanine has mercy upon my soul in the end and I will endeavor to keep her edicts and my vow to her. In that I may end life in peace.