16

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 20, 2018, 12:10:16 am »

I spent most of today at the Abbey, praying, seeking guidance and perhaps a new path. Dad showed up later this eve and started talking about going to Hadrian..he knows I hate when he goes there. He promised me we wouldn't step foot in Hadrian again, not after what happened last time that almost cost me half of my life, if not eventually killing me. I got upset typically and pushed away the food he tried to press which caused it to fall over and spill, then he snapped at me for it.

Hearing him snap like that, I immediately broke down. I can't handle him being angry with me, or snapping at me, I know he immediately regretted it when he saw my reaction, but I couldn't help reacting that way. Emotional and mental distress I cannot handle, physical I can take at any time.

Now I sit here, waiting for him to return, praying I am wrong about this bad feeling that likes to loom in my heart every time I hear he's going there, I guess the promise was worthless about us never going there again. Not the first time I have had promises broken, I should be used to it by now I guess. No ones immune to saying what someone wants to hear, promising them something to make things seem better then they are, then throwing them away when its not convenient anymore.

17

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 19, 2018, 05:22:20 pm »

Its amazing what two days of sleep can do for someone, especially as sick as I was. Though the cough is nearly gone and I am glad for that, will mean I will be off this medication soon, it tastes horrible even with the added berries for flavor. Dads kept fairly close to me during all this and its been nice not having to worry about him, though I know something is stressing him, and I am not sure what but I won't press yet, he doesn't think I have realized it, but I am far more aware then he realizes.

My armor crafting is improving, I am getting very comfortable with helmets now to a point I think a bit more work and I will be able to work on Shadow Iron helmets and maybe one day finally forge my own master crafted plate and tower shield. Its been a lot of work and very expensive for sure, though I think in the long run it will be worth it. I'm just not sure what I will do when I do master weapon and armor crafting. Though I do still have an order to finish when dad will actually let me travel beyond the iron mines again. He doesn't want me going beyond there yet until I am stronger.

The stress has been gone since speaking to Keelie, I don't feel that dark burden anymore over me and I think that's a good thing. I know Rod hates me, even though I don't know why, hes one of the very few who openly admit they understand my mental standings even though he seems to forget it every time we talk, if we talk. I do need Keelie there though, shes a greater support for me then almost anyone outside of dad. Dad I find vastly important to my growth and development, though Keelie I find spiritual connection to. Hopefully this continues to work out. I may even go to the abbey today while dads out to try and reconnect there.

18

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 17, 2018, 06:57:19 am »

I saw Pariah today, she said she was gonna try and fix what Snacks did. She knows how badly I need Keelie in my life, she doesn't have to answer dad, and dads not to call her like that again, but cutting her out of my life is very painful for me and I can't handle it.

I also saw Keelie today. My heart practically jumped out of my throat when I saw her, the relief instant. We spoke for a full day, and she learned my darkest secret, about my worst habit when I get overly stressed. She didn't get mad or upset like dad did, she actually seemed rather understanding. She promised she would keep seeing me, so long as messages like dads last one wasn't repeated again. I promised her it wouldn't be, dad panicked and made a bad call, but she understands why he did it.

She still wants to purge the demon, and made me promise never to use it to protect her ever as she doesn't trust him. I can understand the hesitation so I agreed for her sake and to make her feel more safe with me. She trusts me and I trust her. It feels so much better to have that weight off my heart now that shes back. As I told Pariah, I need Keelie in my life, she is exactly what I think of when I think of a Knight, kind, caring, compassionate, upholds morals and valor, she will one day change the Knights for the better I think.

Keelie gives me reason to fight the darkness, to keep hoping for a future where I don't have to be afraid anymore, I made sure today she knows that fully. I do not ever want to lose her like that ever again, it scared me and left me deeply wounded in ways I could not process. The new scars she saw made her cry when she saw them, I instantly felt guilty yet I can't just stop, its not a habit that's easy to stop and it really does work.

I have a new assignment now, a Shadow Iron Exceptional Flail for the Commander. Another gift of offering for him. Hes not willing to see me just yet, but he at least took notice of my creation of the swords that I had made and offered. Its a start. Its better then the start he first gave me. I think Pariah really does care, she has a great way of showing it, she even hugged me today to try and make me feel better when I told her what Snacks had done.

I'm not allowed to leave the cave now, dads orders, the pneumonia has hit a peak and dad wants me on literal bed rest until he says otherwise. Even if it means most of his time will be devoted directly to staying with me directly. He has said all the Swords stuff, Keelie, everything goes on hold until I am better, I don't blame him, the coughing is near unbearable.

19

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 16, 2018, 02:08:56 pm »

The betrayal was worse then I thought, it wasn't just Rhods whining like a child as I suspected, Snacks ordered it. I will have to speak to Pariah, its done a lot of damage to me and my father. How could Snacks truly think it would do otherwise. Then to say my emotions and feelings mean jack shit in comparison to the others? Now I really feel like I am back in the enclaves. I thought these were supposed to be great Knights, not brutal thugs. How does a compassionless jerk become a Knight? Knights are supposed to mean something, at least in any story I have ever heard of Knights. I have to know whats going on, its hard to even accept all this. Pariah has to make this right. Someone has to prove these Knights are more then just heartless thugs.

Apparently I scared dad when I went completely out of it after the talk with Snacks. The pain quickly became too much and I shut down as always. I was forced back to awareness by pain which always seems to bring me back from those thoughts. This stress isn't healthy, every time we seem to make progress to make my life a little better, something happens to slam me back down. I'm not even hungry anymore again, there's no desire to eat anymore and no care.

Dad and me just spent most of the night trying to bring me back around emotionally, but there's still some rejection to it, accepting that Keelie is gone is just too much to take in all at once on top of everything else, never mind that my emotions don't apparently matter at all to the Swords, I'm just some freak monster that should be treated as one. Guess I held out too much hope for them really being heroes and true Knights of the stories. I begin to question if the Knights I always heard of and dreamed of, are even real, or just stories.

20

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 15, 2018, 01:39:41 pm »

So, Pneumonia sucks, the copper taste that comes with the cough sucks even worse. Dad has managed to do what was needed to get my life force back, and I am grateful for that. I am worried though. I think I scared Cele the other night when she actually came to see me, I started hearing that woman again, and even if its not real, it sounds very real to me. Dad tried so many things to fix it, I still have some of the burns from the pot. Though...its the old habit I have fallen back to that scares dad and I think Cele more then a bit. Pain numbing.

Growing up in a cage, under constant torture, physical, emotional and mental, you start to learn that physical pain numbs the mental pain. I can tolerate a lot of physical pain, not so much mental or emotional. Dad found me twice with different cuts, nothing too serious in my opinion, but they numbed the pain for me. For a while, I didn't have to feel Keelies betrayal anymore, I know he doesn't understand it, that he says I have to work through the pain, but when it gets to that point, I just can't. Not all of it all at once. Though I do wonder if being emotionless is easier? Shutting it all out? But then I shut out dad too, and I am not so keen on that.

I need to face Keelie, perhaps demand why she would betray me, considering I have done nothing to her? I also need to see Pariah, I don't know if I can keep trying if this is gonna keep happening when I make an effort to do better. I even made semi peace with Snacks and that was the hardest thing I had ever done myself. It took swallowing my own pride and ego and confronting him and the demons between us, letting go of the anger, the demand for vengeance, and honestly, it felt good to finally let it go. Though, this thing with Keelie, I need to deal with it, I cannot take the pain, and until I can handle it, dads not gonna like the outcome of it I think, but, I can't handle it all at once. Not like he and the others can, I just hope in time he understands how hard this is and why I need to numb it down. Guilt, pain, anger, hatred, fear, betrayal, I cannot do it all at once, sometimes numbing is the only thing that works.

21

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 14, 2018, 09:50:29 am »

Fate seems against me tonight, first Keelie stands me up entirely, no word, then Cele can't make it, though at least Cele had the heart to at least forward an apology to me that she had to miss me. I truly believe she had no choice but to miss it. Can't eat, can't sleep, dads sound out, and no one left to turn to. Seems I am stuck again here with my thoughts and with the Demon, though he isn't helping things. Ever reminding me that Keelie betrayed me, that she never cared about me, just used me like the Enclaves did, some test subject for emotional gain and support till she found something better.

Why is it those that say they will always be there, are the first to lie? Why lie to me? To build me up to watch me fall, to break any last shred of hope and dignity I have? Love is clearly a weakness that will always be exploited for other peoples gains. I don't pretend to know what Keelie stood to gain from all this, but she has proven to me that my love was worthless to her. That Rhod was more valuable, even though if she was murdered and at least brought back to life, he wouldn't give a shit, me, I would have killed the bastard for even considering the action.

Now I sit and wait again, writing in this book for reasons I don't even understand anymore, the pages are depressing and the thoughts behind it frustrating. Its getting harder to trust people again. I can feel the walls going back up, and I don't really know that I want to stop them. I let myself be open with Keelie, truly believing she cared, and look where it got me, right back into the gutter. All her promises, all her words, meaningless beautiful lies. Meant only to hurt me deeper in the long run. I won't call for her again. Not ever again. Even now I consider throwing the swords at Pariah that I made, and telling her to keep them, and tell the Swords to leave me and my father alone from this point on. To hell with the Temple, to hell with the Swords, to hell with everything other then me and dad. Though, where will that put me in the end?

22

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 14, 2018, 05:44:12 am »

Now even Keelie has betrayed me, I called for her, needing to speak with her, she wouldn't even dignify me with a response, I spent several hours out there waiting, not a word was sent to me, I thought she cared about me, but apparently I am disposable now that she has a fiance. I have tried to respect her, love her, care for her, to let her in. Clearly that was a mistake. Even Snacks had the decency to show up. Yeah...I actually spoke to him today too. Now she avoids me. This hurt, right to the core. I haven't done anything to her to deserve to be shunned. I have and would have given her everything in life that I could. Apparently though she has proven, contrary to her words, I don't mean a god damned thing to her. Just usable to build up so she could shatter me more then anyone before her. Why again do I keep trying?

Dads asleep, Pariah won't be awake yet, Snacks doesn't trust me, I haven't seen Arthur since the trial..so who do I go to now? What do I do when everything is dark? There is only darkness ahead of me, and pain within me. What did I do to have her turn her back on me? I would never do that to her. I don't doubt her fiance had something to do with it, he hates me, I don't even know why. Why keep fighting? Why keep believing anyone cares? All they do is build me up...to slam me back on the ground.

I can hear the Doctor laughing at me again, commenting on my weakness, that I allowed myself to become vulnerable again. Why did I let her in? Because I fell in love with her? Because I wanted to believe she was different? Because I truly longed for a companion? I don't know, but its sound proof I was a fool to think there would be any real difference. I won't make that mistake again...no one but dad gets in that close...not again, I won't allow anyone to hurt me like this again...not now, not ever.

23

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 13, 2018, 01:51:19 pm »

A full day of resting, off my feet, relaxing my back, dads making a hot pack for my back really dialed back the pain, I can't even begin to believe how much or how long I slept. I must have passed back out three or four times on him through out the day. I was actually even hungry by the time I woke last. I know dads rather worried but I needed time to rest and recover, I didn't even want to do anything last night, just remain curled up with him and rest. I know it worried him though.

I can feel the drain where the creature took half my life force, maybe its why I am so tired? I don't know. I still haven't heard back from Pariah yet, perhaps the Commander is busy. I'm still hesitant to go see him I admit, it leaves me rather unnerved as I watch and wait for the time to meet him again. I am unsure how that will go. At least now my back isn't literally screaming in pain at every movement, dad will have to remember this trick for next time for sure.

For now though, dads still asleep so I may as well rest again while I have the chance.

24

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 13, 2018, 01:41:13 am »

Another day, another drama, dad tried so hard to keep things peaceful, but as always they blew up in his face, his first mistake of the day was going through Hadrian to the Wombrie woods. I hated stepping foot in town, but he insisted saying it was faster. The moment we landed, I knew something bad was gonna happen. We made our way there meeting some naked "nymph" as dad called her. She was attacked while we spoke to her and I cut it down. Then she fled and we made our way to the tomb he wanted to investigate.

When inside we were besieged by undead of all types, one type kinda looked even a bit like a Knight. I focused on front lining things till we came across a room with an altar in it. Thats where everything just kept going wrong. First the altar sent me flying back into the door, still feeling that and movement hurts a lot. Secondly was dad picking up that strange skull before this guy showed up. He said we were stealing it, being the warrior I stayed between him and dad to protect him, next thing I knew, I hit the wall and was waking up with Xavier over me and dad still talking to him.

Then it gave him a strange order, and took half my life force to ensure dad completed the order. Dad has ten days to complete it, thats not very long. Dad was heartbroken seeing me, the blood, being unable to move easily. My back and head have been killing me all day so I have been trying to stay resting, I have easily passed back out several times today in exhaustion.

If theres nothing more to add, at least I am finally done the Swords blade order. I loved the work, and the devotion to go into it, I just hope the Commander accepts it and perhaps even me. I won't know till then but heres to hoping right?

25

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 11, 2018, 05:21:49 pm »

Things keep changing, im trying to do better as a person, so is dad, but no one wants to let us. Even Pariah wasn't happy with Rhods stunt yesterday of showing up and picking a fight, gods he even verbally attacked me right infront of her to the point she had to make him leave. I am trying to do good, I am even almost finished her requested order of 20 exceptional swords. Apparently after Rhod left us yesterday, I had another of my panic attacks and actually passed out. Dad panicked and sent for Keelie, Rhod took this as an order from dad, which it really wasn't, the Temple of Amauntor demanded they work with us. I am trying to work with them, and help my father work with them, but as I told Pariah..they need to make the effort and stop pushing at my dad like that, it won't work otherwise.

I am trying, Assuran knows I am, I have already sank more then 9000 gold into these swords, as well as the containers to hold them. If thats not dedication and devotion, I am not sure what more it would take to make them see past my skin and eyes. Hopefully the Commander will be far more reasonable this time. At least Pariah will be there when I offer the blades. I wouldn't want to do it alone. Not with the hatred I got last time for trying to join them.

Dad finally realized I don't look at reflections, called me out on it asking about it, and I told him, I hate what I see. He really didn't like that answer at all. I haven't been able to look at myself in a mirror since I was eight. I can't see doing it now. I hate what I see when I look in reflections, I hate who I am and what I am, I don't know if its what the Netherese programmed me to see and believe, or its just me in general, but I cannot stand seeing myself.

26

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 09, 2018, 08:12:29 pm »

Today I ventured to House Dukaruss, I asked for some leniency on my sentence regarding the proclamations and I am not sure if it was made worse instead...I literally have to announce it as I, Murderer, Trent wish to declare...its a nightmare. Not one I openly wanna use unless I absolutely must. Dads gonna flip for sure. I hate it, but what more can I do? I still cant believe how the trial went. I'm just glad dads okay, and I managed to get some sleep, still cant eat though.

So far the day has been very quiet, so I have been basically wandering on my own, thinking and trying to do things. Though I feel the drain and dads not home, so rest really isn't an option because when I lay down, I won't be able to sleep anyways cause hes not home. Long day, longer one yet to come I would imagine. Hopefully it will be very peaceful for a while now.

27

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 09, 2018, 06:55:46 am »

Assuran has answered us both today, no matter what people tried, the cases were all thrown out. The only thing they could hold my father on was poor character, which while not a crime in itself, he is to be overseen by the Swords, and cleansed. Whatever that means. I asked for the sentence to include me so that I can stay with dad. Its been very strange since then.

Snacks started by barking orders that we were gonna follow him and that was that and too bad. We immediately waited till he left then went home, I shortly after contacted Pariah and arranged a quiet meeting with her that has literally turned into a full nights talk from the heart on both of our parts. She seems to semi grasp that I am immature mentally, but it still seems a distant thing for her to fully grasp. I joked that she wasn't used to handling someone of my mental development.

We agreed mostly that Snacks needs to tone down a bit, but I am gonna have to try to work with him. Its going to be tense, I'm not gonna pretend its not. I used to really like Snacks, he was my mentor for a time but after my poster, he didn't even wanna talk to me to even hear me out. Why I felt that way, why I had changed suddenly. I honestly think in the month I have been here, this is the longest I have been alone with Pariah. I am starting to remember what I did like about her, she has flaws but don't we all?

I admit I am very nervous moving forward, but I don't wanna lose dad so, the option is this. For now though he lives, so do I, and for now at least, we can be happy, and at peace. Hopefully. I know Pariah is set on me learning more who "I" am. Honestly I cannot answer that yet. I don't know who I am under all the scars, pain, hatred and...self hatred. I know who I wanted to be when I arrived. I wanted to be like them, strong, independent, powerful. But I was turned away. Do I dare set such goals again? Hold such a belief in such again? I don't know.

Either way..I think I have officially exhausted the poor Dame, she looks very tired. After a few days without sleep and being basically unable to eat for the last week, I know I am feeling the side effects of it. Dads already noticed the weight change and is not happy at all. Maybe one day, Pariah will come to understand truly...why I hate the Netherese and why I am stuck on vengeance, one day I will tell her, but not today, today I think I have truly overwhelmed her, and she did tolerate my dad pretty well, I am proud of them both for that.

28

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 08, 2018, 09:57:29 pm »

A few more hours, barely two and I watch to see my fathers fate, I try to remain strong infront of him, try not to allow the real fear to show, but how can I be strong when every part of me feels sick and weak. He has found Assuran, though hes nervous, though I know Assuran watches over him, he did when I called vengeance for him, he knows dad isn't bad, just misguided. Even if he never accomplishes these...strange long term goals, I will support and protect and love him, hes just hurt, scared and confused.

I want so much to have the faith he does that things will turn out, to hold hope in a better future, but given my own past, the pain, the experience. I have a hard time believing anything will ever get better for me. Hes the first and only good thing in my life, I had hoped for a while Keelie would be the second, but that was never meant to be. I don't fault her though, no one wants someone this broken.

How many more times will I lay broken and bare before others. Watching, waiting, pleading for others to realize what they are doing is wrong. I don't know but I will keep fighting. Im not even sure if I am still wanted in Hadrian for the threats I made, I have yet to run into Nikita, but I doubt if I do it will be any good. I just want my dad to come home. We don't need to come to Hadrian for things.

I dont know what I am gonna do if things go badly. I asked Keelie to come to the trial for moral support, but she refused to promise, I haven't heard back from Arthur, so not sure if he is gonna come. If they don't and things go bad, I don't know what I am gonna do. I really need the support, I just hope they let me stay with dad during the trial, at least that would be a bit more comforting then being separated entirely.

29

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 08, 2018, 12:16:03 pm »

The entire night in prayer, praying to Assuran for guidance, help, reassurance, but I am unsure of the outcome. Dads still asleep as I keep checking on him now and again, though I am not sure anymore if I am doing it for his sake or mine. I wanna have his faith that it will all work out, but I just can't draw on that strength he has. Another weakness of my mental youth? Or just weakness in general? I really don't know, I can't sleep, I haven't even told dad I haven't eaten anything in nearly three days, but the hunger just isn't there. The sight or smell of food just makes me ill.

I just want the nightmare to be over, the pain to stop and for a few days, quiet in our lives, to live like normal people do, why is that so much to ask? I wanna be free to be a kid, not scared all the time of losing him, or the enclave coming after me, or someone trying to kill one of us. Why does no one understand that? Arthur seemed to, he seemed to actually care a lot, he reached out to me while I was entirely alone, I think he truly felt pity for me. I don't wanna know what might have happened had I been left to fall apart.

My faith in him is growing, I honored my word to him as I always keep my word, I posted the apology, and was truly sincere about it. I lost myself the moment I thought I lost him, I couldn't handle it. He is everything to me. Can people really not understand that? Snacks and Rassali and Edulis, so proud of themselves, so arrogant, I expect it of Edulis, but Snacks? Hes a Knight, shouldn't he be acting you know....good? Not murdering a father that just helped fight the gnolls off? I don't know. I really don't anymore.

30

Journals & Backgrounds / Re: Character Introduction: Trent M. Lormain

« on: July 08, 2018, 04:28:32 am »

Dads trial is tomorrow, but I can hardly sleep, I'm too scared to look away and realize he's gone. Dads gonna stand trial, face the liars down, do anything it takes to make them realize he is not the villain they make him out to be. I have finally convinced Dad to accept Assuran though. He doesn't need a temple that will backstab him at every turn, Assuran is always there. So as he sleeps tonight I prepare this prayer and these blessings, may his transition to Assuran from the false temple go smoothly.


Lord Assuran,

My father comes seeking you for guidance, acceptance and vengeance, he has suffered much injustice and is truly in need of the Doombringers guidance in his struggle as well as in meriting out true and proper vengeance. Accept him to your clergy, teach him a better way, guide him in your wisdom and show him how to enact vengeance without falling from the path into temptations.

Teach him forgiveness, where other gods have failed him, or perhaps failed even themselves in their duties, that they may be forgiven and his heart may begin to heal and he can finally learn true faith again.

Teach him mercy, that he can look past the sins and see the good in people as I even struggle with. That he can help me as I struggle in the path before me.

Teach him irony, that his vengeance may be poetic but always justified.

Most of all, teach him how to move on from the past and begin to live for US. Because I know hes in so much pain, he cannot even truly express it. Please help him find himself and the path back to the light. He's not perfect, but you sent him to me anyways. I have to believe a part of you sent me to save him as much as he is saving me.

Amen.