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| (https://i.imgur.com/7EwSQX9.jpg) | (https://i.imgur.com/2NCecuq.png) Zahirra Sa'Laeth (https://i.imgur.com/xcOImvU.png)
Houndmaster | House Reschotti Slaver
(https://i.imgur.com/tyaV4Za.png)(https://i.imgur.com/tyaV4Za.png)
Coming to Hadrian from up the river, Nauseef,
Zahirra's only goal is to obey the will of her
family - to fulfill the role that's being expected,
that's been ordered by those above her. To join
a great House, for the prestige of her family
and its good name...
However, after talking with some people she starts to see
and believe that she perhaps can do something she
would like. That she can choose.
And among all the drama and mess going on in Hadrian,
a beautiful, intricate silver lining starts to reveal itself. | (https://i.imgur.com/vqnBkTF.gif) |
| (https://i.imgur.com/hP0aJVH.jpg) (https://youtu.be/zEQ-aywKV0U=1) | (https://i.imgur.com/mbhfKB3.png) | (https://i.imgur.com/cZfIt1j.png) |
(just for the record, i didn't paint this portrait - too lazy, just edited it)
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I took my time to get to know the city more.
And, without much of a thought or with too many hidden and suppressed ones, there’s a desire to have hope, to move on… to have plans revolving around myself, not around what others want of me.
Balancing on a fishing line. That’s how I feel after today’s day of talking and writing letters. Half of the words I get in return are empty but no matter, I must keep pressing on. The issues are too important, and are going to keep piling on top of each other unless I take the steps as soon as they’re able to be taken.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
I’ve successfully asked around about the snows and other troubles that hold Hadrian in their grip - there’s surely much more that I’m not being told, however it’s of no matter for now. Not like I’m not at the mercy of others, being the weak 'shitface' I am.
That reminds me of someone most surprising, who not only got me out of my guarded, defensive shell but crushed it so hard it crumbled into the wind. Who would have thought that what I needed are not the life-wisdom-teaching lectures of Shi and Teuivae, but it was a poke of playfulness and a cocky bastard of a shadow half-drake that brought smile onto my face and peace into my soul. The gnoll, Garlax, is quite alright of a companion too - he seems to be interested in working out a food shipping deal with the Mayor Wren.
Balancing on a fishing line. Great Houses, Wren and Shi, Adventurers, Southbank, and my alliance with Neasa on a private matter.
All as fragile and vulnerable yet in their power, as they hold onto it with everything they have.
So must I apparently, if i am to survive.
To keep balancing on the fishing line.
(https://i.imgur.com/8z0jZyC.png?1)
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Being surprised by Trinra’s husband and his one-liner left me stunned with my mind racing.
Then it clicked, I needed to talk to him. But he seems to be rarely around. I met him for the first time on his own at the party, he must’ve been in mourning the whole time since Trinra… Ah, dear Trinra. I miss you.
I’m still looking for the scrolls to enchant the rapier with. I sent out some letters and I must ask Uldur next time I stumble upon the old man. I was also told to ask Belorfin, but then again I've heard the Society’s fees have skylaunched and I don’t have much left.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
Shi Lei is willing to forge weapons if he gets soldiers under his command. A difficult deal to make, and I’m not sure whether to even begin.
And once again I forgot to ask him about the items of the Three. On the other hand, we discussed so much today it could’ve been a risk. I’m not yet entirely sure about people around here.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
I went to rest my mind after the whole day to the cliffside cave, though by the time I got there it was early in the morning - I slept at the ship on the way there.
After that one time Sjach told me that “it’s been a while since he ate,” every other day I go out of my way to get him something to eat. Like today, a roasted herb lamb with gravy. I needed to ask him about Raven anyways, last time I remember he and Trin lived in Sullivans. They might've seen each other. I left him a note along with the breakfast, gave the sleepy dragon a gentle kiss on the nose and left again, not only to catch a bit more sleep at the rocking ship before another day in Hadrian starts.
Arkelos partially warned me, after all.
And it’s only getting colder.
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I took the leap and tried to ask for Raven via proclamation, meeting him at the streams that ripple across the Northern farms.
I’m safe, he understood the situation I explained.
That’s greatly appreciated.
No danger from that side.
The rest of the day continued in the way of dodging and careful ballet of words and half-told phrases. This field of work surely is exhausting, nothing I’ve been doing before could’ve gotten me ready for it.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
I received a reply from Aardyn, his signature brought a faint smile which I must thank him for later, perhaps in a form of a shotglass over the topic I’m meant to discuss with him - the fate of Voust family and estate.
I’d like to ask for his assistance on coming to the estate, I could get the House’s lodgers and legal papers from there and bring them back to Hadrian for examination of the deal funds lost. There’s not much guidance or details on the task list, so I have to paint in broad streaks for now.
Lady Zahirra,
As always, I am open to talk about potential jobs. Our door is always open, whenever you feel like dropping in. I know Grano would enjoy a change in scenery, from my ugly mug. Should I be out and about while you pop in, you can inquire with any of our council members about Society hiring, though I do have a personal score to settle with the blood sucker. Come by. Our taps are always chilled and Grano pours a mean one.
Best regards,
Ladyman
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
Unable to be actually productive despite being almost as busy as the Judge of Souls, I stashed the papers into a file, went to make some small adjustments to my leisure clothes - for when the snow finally thaws - and then I went to look for my dragon in hopes of letting the stress fall away in a good way - and not by hiding away with a bottle and tears.
I met Lenna, an elven fighter, it seemed. She asked me for a help with picking clothes - and there are very little better ways to unwind,
so of course I went with her!
Though, I was seemingly having a cursed heck of a day, as the dragon was ‘nowhere to be found’ - in other words, elusive and hiding away from everyone, likely right close by. I can’t tell I didn’t feel let down by that, as well by the call after. Fortunately, being open and actually voicing my concerns proved to help. Even before that, he apologized on his own, and said that it’s easy to find a better company than he is.
Unexpected of him to say.
However, what he said is true, and yet isn’t. As he’s far too special to be comparable to others, a fountain of calm, and the only one I don’t feel like is just an eagle, waiting for an opening to strike, nor a vulture, waiting for the above to happen and then joining on the feast. Even if it's someone burdened to this extent the one I feel this with, I won't back out. After all, I'm not much less of a fuckup too.
The day ended in a gentle cuddle, and I admit, a little cry. He needed me, just like I needed him.
And... he told me something that made me sure of this.
That I want this.
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The position of a House Mage piqued Minerva’s interest, now to see whether she gets accepted with her origin and little expertise, starting as an Initiate. In my estimate it would be welcome though, as the House can have her shape her skills exactly to its needs and wants. Opportunity to study, enchant items and… experiment seemed of interest to her too.
I met with Overseer Morriman, and got a unique scroll out of the deal - Prismatic Spray, only for a bit over two thousand. I need to keep my finances in check better. Fortunately the other scroll came as a present from Uldur upon hearing of my enchantment goal. Besides the diamonds, I’ll have Meleghost use an emerald..
the one that reminds -him- of my eyes.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
Another day, another new face, and so it happens I met Dameraxia, a dark-skinned, attractive woman. Another mage apparently, pixie companion. She’s of a noble origin, confident. She fit well with Minerva and Radriel, so I took my time listening to them all, thinking of other things in for once peaceful environment of the Society Pub.
After everything was done, I spent majority of my free time together with Sjach.
We were resting, wrapped in a thick blanket, near the fireplace.
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Interview with Aardyn and Belorfin went swimmingly, it was quick and to the point. Price for escort is very acceptable, nothing like I’ve heard about their prices being horribly over-the-top. That left me curious, and I asked. It turns out they were just sick of not getting paid with anything but promises of ‘respect and pride.’
So it goes, and mr. Redwillow has officially called out a summon for people who would like to join. I simply sat in the entry hall if anyone would be of need of my assistance. Minerva came out of Minister’s office, and the three of us went to the Upper Estate.
After brief interviews the task was set - to bring back the statuette of Lady Valstiir,
one of rare artpieces in even rarer collection, for Docent Ressat.
She’s a sweet woman with weak health, and both Minerva and I hope we could be of help to her someday.
After an unplanned burglary, chat with a frost spirit guardian and calming down a spirit of a hound, Minerva found the statuette and we could go back. All in all - she’s now an Initiate!
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
Aardyn, Abigail and I talked for a bit later. Upon Aardyn mentioning that there’s a party planned in the Society Pub, a certain worry has sprouted in my mind. The snow continues, and that would be a second party over the period this unnatural snow lasts.
In other words, I fear a riot.
I’ve seen the Wonbrie Woods and the weird, curious lower level of its crypt. I should tell Sjach about the locked door.
I need to talk with Neasa soon. I should tell her of the spirit too, as it seems to have a connection with the snow. Perhaps I can learn more this way.
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First visit to the library - done, and very fruitful. I'll keep the notes for the future.
SpoilerAfter creation, there was a period of timeless nothingness, a misty realm of shadows that existed before light and darkness were separated. Eventually, this shadowy essence coalesced to form twin beautiful goddesses, polar opposites of each other, one dark and one light. The twin goddesses created the bodies of the heavens, creating Chauntea, the embodiment of the world of Toril. Toril was lit by the cool radiance of the goddess Selûne and darkened by the welcoming embrace of the goddess Shar, but no heat yet existed in this place.
Chauntea begged for warmth that she might nurture life and living creatures upon her form, and this caused the twin goddesses to become divided in intent. The two fought, and from their divine conflict the deities of war, disease, murder, death, and others were created.
Selûne reached beyond the universe to a plane of fire, using pure flame to ignite one of the heavenly bodies so that Chauntea would be warmed. Shar became enraged and began to snuff out all light and warmth in the universe. Desperate and greatly weakened, Selûne tore the divine essence of magic from her body and hurled it at her sister, tearing through Shar's form and pulling with it like energy from the dark twin. This energy formed Mystryl, the goddess of magic. Composed of light and dark magic but favoring her first mother, Mystryl balanced the battle enough to establish an uneasy truce between the two sisters.
Shar, who remained powerful, nursed a bitter loneliness in the darkness and plotted her revenge. Selûne waxed and waned with the light, but drew strength from her allied daughters and sons, and even interloper deities from other planes. Their battle continues to this day.
Shar's realm is said to be on the Plane of Shadow and is a tower that has no obvious entrances called the Tower of Loss. She would trap those who enjoyed their freedom inside, savoring their despair at their loss, though she would allow petitioners and visiting worshipers to freely come and go (perhaps to further torture the trapped ones).
Shar is a greater deity and she offers her powers to any devout worshiper as most other gods do.
There was a shrine to Shar in Southbank. It may still be there. Most places of worship, though, are kept in secret and hidden from prying eyes.
You are pointed to the Church of Amaunator if you want more then just simple contractual law. They are the experts.
One myth that does catch your eye has to do with the battle of the twin gods Shar and Selûne. It tells of a fragment of Selûne that 'fell' after she tore out her divine essence and tossed it at her sister. But it does not say to where it fell or even what happened to it after.
Another tale insists that Shar and Selûne are one god with 2 faces.
-Neasa’s task is to talk with Sun-someone about contract breaches, loopholes et cetera, as well as to meet with Dame Averil on the topic of the fragment.
-Shi’s thing is mainly to find out more about the artifact, likely along with Minerva who’s going to have a different take on the topic.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
I asked each of them what should I do, and it was to find a place of worship of Shar, the one in Southbank.
Shi Lei offered me his company for the safety, and I agreed. Together, in the deep night, we have found a peculiar place.
A village among the cliffs.
Shi is concerned by me being willing to pay the Society. Besides his advice, he gave me leftover gemstones - another support of my man’s habit. At times he seems nervous about receiving gifts. Let me mix this batch into his hoard on my own, then.
I’m afraid he might feel unworthy, with all his troubles. That heaves on my heart.
I hope to see him soon.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
Aardyn’s late payment in form of a dinner turned out to be more than welcome. Both as a break from the ordinary and the burdens of a day, as well as a good expansion of my portfolio of information.
However nervous I am about meeting new people, I need to talk with Tanner. Hopefully, soon. He doesn’t seem to have any regular schedule.
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I met a living tree. Yes. Not on Psylocibe.
He.. it complained about orcs, ripping their kin out of the ground, with the roots. I’m not sure where, though. Neither am I sure whether this is something to report… perhaps to Shi.
Uldur for some reason donated to our cause in order for me to be able to pay the Society when the rough point of the fight comes. The moment got a bit spoiled, however that can’t tarnish the amazingness of his gesture and my thankfulness to him.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
I met with Tanner, and after a bit of an awkward start, we got to sharing. Despite Neasa’s words, he had nothing new to share with me. I’m nervous about this. He also asked about Sjach.
Finally I received a mail back from Southbank. The ice covering the river is not making deliveries any easier, that is sure.
Later on I could at least relax with Shi and Sjach, we were chatting, joking and having fun.
It’s nice to see Shi have a personality again, so to speak. Honestly, I missed him.
As always, I get to the point of the little dragon. He told me something today, something I wouldn’t expect to hear - and if yes, then not this early on. Despite the twelve-rope knot of a situation we’re in, I’m giving it my all. And I know that he does too. My cute asshat.
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I should give Minnie the mushrooms I found. She might be able to extract the… essence into form of drops, in which case perhaps they could be found as a good trade commodity, if the House would be open for trading this type of goods.
At times I feel like giving up, but doing so would mean an end. As now I finally get to choose for myself. I no longer feel like I’m falling through my life, though I have to grit my teeth and push on - but I feel alive.
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The Estate is much more quiet now that Minerva left the ranks. Pragmatic, profit-oriented approach didn’t seem to suit her, and I can see why. She’s a scholar, a passionate and intuitive soul - an environment full of paperwork doesn’t help it much.
Then again, what else is to be expected in the introductory rank of the oldest House in the region?
A test of resilience.
She and i stay good friends. I slowly feel more and more at ease in her presence, making her the only other person I can be fully myself around. She’s still happy to help us, and I’m happy to help her in return.
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It’s been my first council meeting, and the one I’ve seen Wren fall from the Office at. Uldur is responsible for the city for the time being… and the new mayor will be voted for soon.
Minister Mendel asked for my opinion on it all. I gave it to her, as well as shared my ideas in regards to other things.
On the bright side, Minister gave me a thumbs-up on the drug idea. I worked on the preparations for it while I could… Someone’s gotta keep a promise after all my work for today is done, after all.
Nothing better to motivate me to push myself forward.
And then, well… No more worries for that day.
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People of Hadrian have rioted against the decision of the Council, smearing the Estate of Reschotti in a mess. Slaves took care of it.
Wren is planning on running for mayor again.
Oscar is wary of her behaviour, and suggested that the House and him should pick and sponsor a candidate who’s willing to work with the Coucil and avoid going behind its back.
This is up to my superiors to decide.
I finished the sample sets of the drugs. Skettus accepted my proposal of testing. I made sure to test the safety of samples before offering them, so I know they are fully safe.
I need to hold back from further production without sufficient protection, just in case.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
Good thing about today - Sjach returned what he took to Shi. This will ensure us further friendship and also help my House to be the first to secure a trade agreement with the dwarves.
I’m going to write up a report on Southbank and a letter of apology for my failure at the Voust Estate. I want to fix my mess.
Why do I keep pushing myself further to fix what others could as well.. but not many move unless I ask them to move myself, and maybe not even then. How did I even end up, well sort of... leading? managing? this whole crusade against Menner?
I’m not sure what to do.
I feel lost and alone.
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“Good morning, Shitface.”
Waking up to my dragon’s signature grin marked my day enough for the moment to stay on my mind throughout the rest of it.
Not unusual though, every night I get to rest in his embrace is good, and the morning after even better. I don’t even need covers… he wraps me up in his bat-like wings and pulls me close into a cuddle. I cherish the innocence and safe coziness of his love.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
Like I was afraid, Belorfin couldn’t help me with getting the scrolls I need. He also told me he knows no one who can scribe something like that… i find that hard to believe. He’s been around for too long to have no idea about these things.
I need to ask around. Minerva, Raven and Shi might be my best bets.
I’m glad I reported my finding of the open door leading to the Dukkarus Estate in Hadrian from the sewers. Their steward has been very polite and nice about it. He sent thanks to my House for looking out for their place, and such message made me smile.
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I’ve been promoted into an official employ in the House for my services. Slaver Zahirra. Sounds weird since it’s a title that doesn’t exactly describe what I actually do. My main work now is to deal with the situation about Voust… now with an official document, I am allowed to take any measures needed to see this through. And I am gonna damn sure use it.
I got a new room in the upper estate, and a new uniform. I feel good. Good about myself and my accomplishments.
"The most precious of his gems."
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It’s been rough.
Eventful times have ended and I’m enjoying a business-filled break; with the snow and ice gone thanks to my fair share of help and working with (now gone) Wren, Shi, dwarves and the priestess of Mystril at the Enclave.
I’ve been sending the priestess some donations as she suggested, in the form of interesting items such as large mythal shards and other stuff they might find either interesting, of use, or both.
Things between the House and Southbank are going swimmingly, slowly better and better. Hadrian needs some time for reparations, I’m considering doing the dirty work and donating lumber, clay, stone and metal to the city’s emergency funds in the name of our House - a pinch of altruism is never bad, and the city needs to be back in a good shape as soon as possible.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
I met a lady I greatly enjoy the company of - miss Sigrid from the dwarven settlement. A joyful, open-minded cleric of Moradin. She doesn’t even mind Sjach and his bite-y humour, and that makes me glad.
I’ve been donating a lot of materials to her. Both because I truly enjoy her company and feel at ease with her, and because I want to see that place up and running and that orc pest eradicated. She and Astariel will hopefully help me with the Voust manor - they both said they will, at least.
Shi has been recovering from his alchemy accident, my drug business is slowly starting to gain momentum, I’ve managed to get wonderful at small metalwork, making jewelry and decorated bows.
Perhaps when I get a bit more confident at my proficiency with this, I could meet with Docent Rosalie - she’s usually handling commissions, so perhaps there would be nobles interested in both decorational and functional weapons. Each one takes a lot of work, but the feeling of seeing the golden frills and filigree ornaments against the dark of the oak wood in the late, warm candlelight… the true crafter’s satisfaction, the moment I feel complete, even in my flawed self.
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We’ve met Arthur again.. or, Boteler the Black now. The remains, or the husk now inhabited and changed.
That wouldn’t bother me on its own. After all, I’m blindly chasing my potential mother-on-law, who is a shadow dragon so I’ve no right to accuse someone of strangenness. But Boteler threatened Sjach, ever so subtly, and that bothers me.
Now my life’s appeared on the line and I don’t know what exactly to do about it.
I suppose it’s time to get back to work.
And someone needs to be paid a visit and a coin.
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Sjach and I have been enjoying a period of rest.
Of course, me being my work-obsessed self, I’ve still been sneaking into the Upper Estate to look over the plans, papers and attended several meetings regarding the further direction of the House itself and our goals.
After each of the meetings I locked myself in my room at the Estate and wrote. There are several publications I’d like to release, and it won’t be long before I do so. However, no work session ever goes too deep into the night - if there’s someone who can sneak past the guards and pick all the secure locks leading to the private rooms of the Enclave Estate, it’s my shady sweetheart - who always steals me away from the warm candlelight into the darkness of our cave. It's always surprised me how his bratty personality keeps me sane and allows me a period of daily mental rest I direly need with the amount of work I face daily.
(https://i.imgur.com/FT2fPfk.jpg)
There are many things and experiences that shaped me over the past months, changed who I am. Despite some things, I do feel better about myself now than I did before I came to Hadrian - or even a week or so after.
I still miss my good friend from back when I came here, one that could make me feel like there’s no need to be guarded, just like my dragon and Garlax could.
Trinra.
I wonder what her other goals were, what she pursued before she disappeared forever… helping the Knights. The very people who are often quicker to shun than to accept, she, a drowess, was willing to help them in their goals.
Would they be willing to help her first?
Oh heavens, how I miss her. And Raven too.
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With the date of elections still in question, I decided to attempt to take matters that needed to be addressed into my own hands, one by one - as a first thing, I want to have the Northern Farms pond dragged.
I previously gave the note and the evidence to someone. Someone who preached care yet invested barely into the city itself. And that taught me once again that if I want to see something done, I have to do it myself, no matter who sits at the main chair.
Boteler asked me out for a walk, so I took him to the stores around the area. I had no idea how much I miss social hangouts... and despite not succeeding at his suggestions and smooth talk, he succeeded at something he certainly didn't plan on to - he made me notice how one-sided my relationship has become. So that needs to be addressed.
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And so the times and events go and so rarely we stop to truly be present…
I’ve been doing well, my diary. At the work, at least.
The preparations for the festival are plentiful - I went out to catch some beasts too. I went out alone, as I’ve been and felt for the past days including this one, and it has almost cost me more than would be healthy.
It’s not about overconfidence… I know I can do little in terms of self-defence. It’s more like, I don’t know. Like the feeling of having no one to turn to, again?
I’m glad I no longer drink when I feel like this, I just look for more things to do. Little things, anything to help me take my mind off of what I feel, at least until I go to sleep often missing the wings around me.
I couldn’t believe when I saw him outside his cave - what shocked me the most was that I felt surprised and… afraid? So strange.
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Work is at lease moving in the matter of the Voust Estate again, a part-celestial of a name Aurix helps me investigate. She doesn’t approve of the company I brought, and has pretty much kicked my dragon out of the whole situation, only so-so tolerating Retzlaff who I took as a bodyguard, originally for Tatiana.
Aurix is to get back to me with what she found out in a week or so… and after that, yay, time to put my life on the line again to delve into depths of the canyon, possibly.
Orc mines, repair donations, this thing, the little gifts I like giving purely to feel something for at least a second… am I only keeping myself just busy enough to not see I’m purely viewed as something expendable by everyone?
Though I think I always knew, deep down.
I wish there was Raven and Trinra still around, even though Raven’s plans for my House were not the nicest. But what of it, I have to push on while I can.
However,
amidst all the things there has appeared something, a gift in return I enjoy resting my eyes on. I don’t think I ever received a flower before, I never knew what was so special about it. But somehow, it is special and feels special too.
Various shapes and sizes of beauty…
Certainly a difference from the one-sidedness of what I’m used to, even though I know hope it’s not intentional. Probably I’m just lying to myself, I don’t know anymore. I’m risking and giving so much and getting… what exactly. I miss the feeling of pure safety and peace, the comfort and warmth. And how could I know when apology is just a lie.
So now, there’s usually a large, blooming red rose at my belt,
a physical reminder that there’s more to the world than cold stone and business meetings.
It’s so silly though…
Just a flower.
And I don’t want to chase anymore.
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I never expected confiding in Neasa. Talking about basic things like relationships or annoyances at our jobs was so relaxing, something I really missed. Actually talking openly in an eased manner. And it felt so genuine. A feeling I’m still wary of, but what is there to risk with all the other things piling up?
She has listened and talked about how things felt for her with Teuivae and what happened there. That she felt unworthy of her, however, it wasn’t from the start unlike my situation has always been.
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I’m glad this little blank book has become my little private space to let my thoughts roam.
So, this really isn’t a decision I ever planned on making nor wanted to have to make. I always loved being his little gem, and I bet I still do underneath the defensive stance and focus on work I adopted to lessen the stress.
Even Aurix preferred to not have my dragon around and later advised me in private to seriously rethink the choice of my company. The simple fact is that things have come to the point where I could lose much more than what I gain. So a change of some kind needs to happen.
I’m risking my future, position, safety, House’s reputation, and my life itself due to Boteler’s shenanigans. He needs this relationship in order to blackmail my dragon, but if there will be none, he will go there anyways. I shouldn’t have to feel any pressure to be someone’s saviour or carer, he’s strong enough and that balance and safety was what kept me going, what made me feel supported by at least one person who used to give a damn. I have to let it pan out in any way it will. No need to overthink. No need to chase.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
I’m going to give the time I used to spend traveling to Sullivans into something else. Writing, crafts, walks, business studies. Perhaps fishing at that little place I found? I have a life to live and I shouldn’t throw it away for something that doesn’t give back.
I am Slaver Sa’Laeth, member of the Oldest House in the Region, the Noble House Reschotti, and the eldest daughter of the main branch of Sa’Laeth family. Dealing with trades, tasks, meetings and events which involve far more people than one unappreciative person who I wasted enough effort onto. If I should feel like I have to serve anyone, it’s only to my Lord.
I shouldn’t throw this away.
And I don’t feel the need to.
(https://i.imgur.com/8z0jZyC.png?1)
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(https://i.imgur.com/NOv45Be.png)
So much success as of late - at least for the most part. Many meetings attended and even more of them arranged. It’s definitely more difficult to work with ease without the time to unwind, but what’s my choice here really. I’m not going back to the bottle, that never helped in the first place.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
I’m quite tired but it’s of no matter, I feel joy in knowing that the festival is going to happen, and all is going so well! Dangerous at times, yes, but as a Slaver I took on the beast hunting duty too. Come to think of it, it should be the -only- thing I do. Heh. Perhaps I should be lazier, but then my place would not be proudly in this House. I love it here.
The growth of my House’s reputation and the overall satisfaction of the general public and nobility due to the event is going to be worth it, though personally mostly I look forward to the fireworks. I’m going to watch from the lakeside, glancing one time at the rippled reflection, and the other to the blazing shapes in the sky. I wonder if there will be someone by my side.
Ah, what am I thinking. He won’t come unless I’d beg him to. And, maybe… hm, maybe. But I don’t give it much of a chance.
Who knows, maybe Mendel will throw me at someone during the Great Midnight Dance like Neasa suspects.
Maybe I can at least hang out with her and the brothers, that way we have two dance pairs there. At least we’d get to have fun.
Should I come in a meeting suit, or in a dress? I changed up that midnight blue one I had on the night Sjach and I… the gala and what came after. I shouldn’t be keeping reminders like that, but oh he surely looked gorgeous in that suit. My dragon. Probably not anymore, though.
The sudden void… no, not sudden. I’ve seen it coming but averted my eyes from the truth. Only thing I got were lies about how much I mean and whatnot. After I stopped coming there on my own, not a word has come, and I bet not a thought either. I suspect now he’s at his cave, counting treasures with that loveable grin of his. I brought him enough it seems and now I’m unneeded. Arthur said it’s gonna be my House who discards me, but oh how wrong he was in his sharran marketing speech. How very wrong.
I wish it hurt less, knowing it was never real and that I’m not even worth of being told it’s over.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
Does me being able to provide for us both weigh down so much on the little scalie? The more I managed to do, the less confident in himself he seemed. And is my ability to take care of things going to scare away anyone else who might happen to be interested in the wreck I am? I suppose yes. It wouldn’t be my life if it had something nice in it for longer than a while, for a duration of a lie.
Love. At least I got to have a taste of it, of the feeling akin to a fresh mountain spring water. With rich but neutral taste, pleasant, refreshing and somehow cleansing in feeling, taking impurities and worries away as you get lost in its nuances and subtle variety of the sensations that only grow with every passing day.
Despite losing it, I hope the memory of this feeling will remain in within me so there is something lighting up my way forward, no matter how faintly. And perhaps I’ll recognise it once more.
(https://i.imgur.com/8z0jZyC.png?1)
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(https://i.imgur.com/NOv45Be.png)
High investments hope for even higher returns.
But what to invest in now?
The thoughts swirl and churn unending as my mind races every night I lay down in my bed at the Estate. Alone. Thoughts drifting from one to the other, barely focusing on the work itself which is usually part of my evening thoughts… but not as of late.
An encroaching, alluring scent of a fresh prey that drowns the senses in the feeling of novelty and unknown. To get a bite, a taste, a little something. Something that cannot be, shouldn’t be. Though the little taste I got brought me some sort of an anchored feeling…
A little grain of peace, a thing so precious now that the feeling of being balanced and valued has disappeared from what I used to be, and still am, in.
Regarding that - Neasa’s reply came in today. With my hands, unable to stop trembling, I opened the letter and in that moment my anxiety dropped down from me. She doesn’t mind. It’s okay to do it when the time I won't be able to continue comes. Now, I feel more free. And I got in the mood for something, a little escape from the confining walls and elegant velvet suits.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
I opened my eyes and watched the moon, felt the wind slash against my skin.
Ran, I ran with Arak and his pack until I ran out of breath and we had to stop by a pond. The reflection of the starry sky, gentle colours of nebulae and the massive orb of white light. Only a dark silhouette of me against it all, with my hair falling free in a smooth, wind-grazed cascade of black. Watching it all, catching my breath. I felt powerful and free again. Maybe not exactly powerful, but capable. It felt so cleansing to shed the manners and trained posture, the obligations and duties. At least for a while, for a short hour in a short night before coming back, passing the cave that once felt like home on my way to Hadrian.
(https://i.imgur.com/8z0jZyC.png?1)
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(https://i.imgur.com/NOv45Be.png)
A dance practice. Of course.
The dance of whatever is starting to unfurl its petals, a stability in the true independency. The risk of trusting, of sharing what has not been shared before. Bittersweet sip of wine, an intact chocolate cake.
To get lost in paradise. Freshness, a lush foreign land, the blue of the sky, an unexplored wilderness for the senses and mind. A slow dance, it could last for a week or could last for months until we wander towards the core.
Trust and ease. Bare nudity of the heart, not one of the body. Nothing to shield against.
It might be wrong, but it feels right as we lose ourselves in paradise.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
Thoughts and options. Being told again, this time by a different person, that I should do what I long for. Fortunately, the only meeting on today's schedule has been short and to the point, with the manager of the Theatre about the planned stage and the possible plays. Both before and after that however, the topic of the dragon still weighed on my mind.
After the meeting, on my way down in the airship I have fully decided. I’m having no more of this.
Familiar port, familiar creatures and a familiar path. Steep ascent and a gate, with small shuffling noises echoing from the large hall.
I explained to him that I can’t go on like this anymore. There’s enough on my plate as it is, and having to be anxious about every single thing while I’m around him… I can’t live like that. To fear having to visit someone and then act as if everything’s perfect to keep others from having concerns.
And truly, I have done it purely for my own sake, regardless of the timing of it. I’ve been pondering on this for weeks, ever since the weight of it started to grow, and grew to the point I felt tired all the time. My service to the House and my health have to be a priority, the first can't flourish without the latter. Therefore, a time has come for the final farewells, and for no more gentleness. And for the one last time, I walked out of the place that once upon a time felt so, so safe.
Finally free. Yet here I am, hiding in the bed with its sheer curtains blurring out the world, curled up in a ball with only the heavy covers anchoring me in the present moment. Numb. Did I win or did I lose? Beyond my recognition. Despite it being faded and nonexistent towards the end, there was once care and love.
…And no one can be allowed to see.
I thought it would be easier. But such is the path I chose.
(https://i.imgur.com/8z0jZyC.png?1)
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(https://i.imgur.com/NOv45Be.png)
The day has come.
It was time to leave an intimidating sum of money at the bath house - a bath, a massage, and a hairstyle with the red rose from Retz braided into my hair. Few finishing touches, dark blood lipstick, and I was ready. I couldn’t possibly be happier with the outcome.
Royal, elegant, stunning.
Let me represent, with perfection and grace.
Festival was as hectic and fun as could be, with minor nuisances being swiftly taken care of by the alert guards. Besides having fun with my colleagues, Retzlaff and some others, I was lucky enough to be spotted by Neasa and hang out with her after long weeks! I am happy she found herself a good half, even though she says it's still early days. I'm glad - and she, of course with a laugh, told me she's going to be happy for me as well when I decide for something in that chaos of mine. At least around Tenshi I can be sure.
Even the Lords decided to come out and hang out with the citizens - despite likely overlooking the heads of other noble families, she and I met and talked with Lord Reschotti and Lord Dukkarus at the meal sample tables. Both of them were quite at ease with one another, and the lighthearted mood soon spread and blended the lines between statuses.
Unexpectedly, Sjach has come to see the festival as well. He left me with a bag, containing… treasures. Ones I shall keep and cherish, and a note. He and I also talked. On the little boat adorned by candles and a snack plate, we slowly talked. Remembering the good times, knowing it was special. Slowly I rested my head on his shoulder and he leant his head against mine, as the nervousness passed and in the end, we were simply there.
It was the calmest time I had in a long while. No thrill, no chase, no words, no motion. Simply, peace. And the safety I remember so well. A worthwhile reward after the whole month of preparations, even if only for a single evening.
A mosaic casket, with fragments and gems. Shaped flowers, prismatic glint, wishes and aspirations.
(https://i.imgur.com/cMiwjjK.png)
- And so she read, dark hair spread over her back, sitting cross-legged on the private Estate bed. With soft silk, dark wood and sheer curtains around she hid from the world, into another one.
"I knew I wasn't worthy of your love, Nor was I ready to be the one for you always,
But I am glad that you are happy,
I am glad you are doing this for your self,
I always only want to see you happy, even if it is without me in it,
I am sorry for all I have done and I hope you forgive me.
I hope you find some use in the things I gave you in this bag may they keep you safe,
I hope that life treats you well and so do the people in it,
I hope you become more then you have ever dreamed about.
I also hope that we will meet again, but most of all I hope that isn't on the battlefield,
There is nothing left for me to stay around for, So this will be the last you hear from me.
I hope that there isn't any bad blood.
Once your little dragon,
Sjach'Vivex."
A mosaic casket, hiding gems and dreams.
- The following new morning meant an end to her haze, of the dream of the colorful lights shining in the night sky. The rising sun brought along with it a new workday. And she, ready in red and black, set the flowers aside and has ventured into the Plains.
(https://i.imgur.com/8z0jZyC.png?1)