In Character > Public Notices
Issues of the Conch Champion (For public reading)
Fiverine:
The Conch Champion. Independent & Accurate, Always
The Adventurer: Hero or Menace?
Greetings people of Conch and thank you kindly for reading my first editorial. Firstly I should introduce myself. I am Giona Morton, the new editor of the esteemed Conch Champion. I have recently moved here from the far town of Hadrian and welcome the opportunity to bring you more of the fearless investigative journalism, hard-hitting editorials and above all a focus on the truth for which the Conch Champion is renowned.
I departed the town of Hadrian after the resolution of a very specific problem with that otherwise fair city. For too long Hadrian had relied heavily upon the services of people of a certain profession. This profession, if one could truly call it that, is infested with some of the worst examples of humanity and other races imaginable. Opportunists, mercenaries, tax evaders and anarchists make up the most of their ranks. At best they are deluded bleeding heart do-gooders who actually cause more harm than good. At worst they are thieves and murderers. The actions of Hadrian's irresponsible and incompetent adventuring community eventually caused the death of my son and others of the town's children. Therefore we as parents joined together to finally drive out that blight upon Hadrian that called itself "The Adventurer's Society". With that done I resolved to move somewhere new and put my grief behind me. But to my dismay I find the seeds of the same problem here in Conch!
Like any city Conch often struggles with problems of oversized vermin, thieves, feral humanoids and other threats. But we already have three fine institutions here to resolve such matters. I draw attention of course to the fine folk of West Netheril Trading Company, The Nebular University, and Diiri's Boys. They are the rightful upholders of law and order in their respective districts, and in my opinion it is both reckless and illegal to circumvent them and use the services of that dangerously unqualified specimen, the adventurer.
The adventurer shirks their rightfully owed taxes. The adventurer antagonises dangerous races and beings. The adventurer inspires untrained youths to risk their lives in imitation of them. The adventurer always complains about how much they are paid for a job. The adventurer disrespects the rule of law. The adventurer and his cronies gang up on some poor overgrown lizard, bloodily murder it then call themselves heroes! The adventurer indignantly squawks about the price he pays for goods and for which he sells his stolen trinkets. The adventurer is a lawbreaker, a vigilante, a thief, a poor example and a bully. But above all, the adventurer is a MENACE.
G.Morton, Editor.
Grymtol and Diiri's Boys Revive West Conch
In good news for West Conch Diiri's Boys and their leader Grymtol have brought a new regime of prosperity and order in the district. I recently visited West Conch to take a look for myself at the changes Diiri's Boys have brought.
Though they are a rustic bunch in comparison to their decadent predecessors it cannot be denied that the Boys have brought a crude order back to the streets. West Conch will only rise to the wealth of the rest of the city if it has some semblance of predictability for commerce and whatever their quirks Diiri's Boys have brought that.
This reporter's only concern is Diiri's Boys' questionable decision to take on an embedded journalist from another publication. But we assure Mr Grymtol that the Conch Champion would never begrudge a district authority's choices in such matters. Nor would we ever allow such a petty thing to affect our commitment to honest reporting and commentary.
-S. Hellsworth, Reporter.
A Plague of Crows Descends on Conch
Farmers, merchants and householders alike have been shocked and suffered financial loss at the beaks and talons of flocks of crows. The Conch Champion has received many disturbing reports in the past weeks of crows destroying crops, defecating upon crowds and even attacking citizens. Clearly this situation is both frightening and dangerous and citizens are hoping that the district authorities can find a cause and solution to this plague of crows. This newspaper has found no evidence to support conspiracy theories that these crows are in fact "spybirds" for a greater power.
-A. Nutt, Reporter.
Nebular Accuses WNTC of Price Gouging
Students from the Nebular University have complained to this publication that WNTC merchants are vastly overcharging them for academic supplies. This reporter performed a simple undercover operation by dressing in a borrowed Nebular student's robe and found that this simple identifier of Nebular membership raised prices charged to me by 150%. One can only speculate at the reasons for this. A spokesperson from WNTC has vehemently denied any official policy to charge Nebular students at a higher rate than other customers.
-P. Krellin, Reporter.
Fiverine:
The Conch Champion. Independent & Accurate, Always
Conch Beset by Threats: But Who Benefits?
Conch already had its hands full with the flocks of crows destroying crops, despoiling the markets and even attacking people. But reports indicate that despite some time of peace the Rengarth are once again on the warpath. Less surprising but still problematic is a recent goblin attack on Denvar's Bridge. I assure you it has not escaped my attention that, amongst others, some freebooting adventurers were on hand to defend the bridge.
Why is Conch seeing this sudden increase in dangers to it and its citizens? I believe I have an answer to this. One of my tutors in journalism, one Douglas Parr, often reminded me of this nugget of wisdom: "when things are happening for reasons you cannot fathom, simply ask yourself this- who benefits from this situation? Identify that party, and almost invariably you will have your perpetrator". I thought back on Mr Parr's words carefully while considering this rash of activity around Conch and have come up with an answer.
So who is it that benefits when vermin, barbarians and goblins attack or endanger Conch? Simply put, the people we hire to solve the attacks! I do not speak of Carsen Sable's stolid and honest warriors, nor of Nebular's eager students. I speak of those unlicenced vigilantes that we lump under the term "adventurer". They have the most to gain if the city needs extra warriors and wizards to fight threats. Surely it is not too much to consider that perhaps it is the adventurers themselves who are deliberately drawing these attackers?
-G.Morton, Editor.
Diiri's Boys Turn West Conch into Dystopian Wasteland
Residents and visitors to West Conch alike have complained of a rise in robberies, assault and murders in West Conch (which the less charitable call "The Slums"). This rise has coincided with the rise to supremacy of the dangerous gang known as Diiri's Boys. Victims of their predations have told the newspaper that this rise in violence is not simply the Boys "settling old scores" now that they are the authorities in West Conch, but is likely to be an ongoing policy.
- S. Hellsworth, Reporter.
Judge Caught Skinny-Dipping
A certain long-serving and respected judge of Conch's court was allegedly sighted swimming nude in the creek outside Conch yesterday. Our concept artist sketched a recreation based on witness accounts but our editor has decided it is simply too shocking for publication. We will not name the judge in question to avoid litigation but will take careful note of this person's future rulings in public indecency cases.
- A. Nutt, Reporter.
New Community Group Forming
The Conch Champion can exclusively reveal that a Master of the Nebular University will be soon founding an organisation dedicated to the admirable goals of reducing violence in Conch and generally making it a more pleasant and harmonious place in which to live. We have only been provided with the vaguest of details so far, but the Master stated "this will be a group for all of the people of Conch". Other than noting the Master's emphasis on the word "people" we can only speculate upon what this group will be like.
- P. Krellin, Reporter.
Fiverine:
The Conch Champion. Independent & Accurate, Always
The Man-Bat of Conch: Monster, Urban Legend, or Sheer Fabrication?
One of the stranger stories one hears whilst walking the streets of Conch is that of "the Man-Bat". Depending on the source, one will hear that the Man-Bat is a monster, a mad-man, or a practical joker. What is clear is that these stories are confined to a narrow stretch of the Market District and always revolve around the Man-Bat making his lair in some unfortunate's basement. Some poor deluded souls even become fans or acolytes of this legendary creature.
The usual question discussed when locals speak of the Man-Bat is simple- is he real, or simply folklore? I however, postulate a different origin to this creature. An unnamed source has told me that the Man-Bat is a sick practical joke created by the more deranged adventurers of this town. This source told me that adventurers have been capturing some bats and turning them loose in basements, then having one of their own dress up like a humanoid bat to scare the owner. Then, the adventurer's cronies arrive and drive off the Man-Bat and claim a fee for their service.
While no physical evidence was provided for this shocking claim it seems all too plausible to me. It causes me to wonder too if adventurers are responsible for other nuisance problems we find in Conch, such as livestock mysteriously getting free and swarms of insects infesting homes. Naturally, these problems also require a "generous adventurer" to resolve them! People of Conch, next time you find yourself faced with some irritating or recurring problem ask yourselves "could an adventurer have caused this?"
-G. Morton, Editor
Nebular Students Go Wild!
It is apparent that this year's class of Nebular students is the wildest yet. The Conch Champion has received numerous reports, tipoffs and complaints about new Nebular students indulging in all sorts of misbehaviour. Grievances this newspaper have heard include street fights in the slums, roughing up a member of House Mistari, stirring up racial tensions and even stealing credit for each other's work. Clearly the Masters of Nebular will have a harder semester than usual keeping their more unruly students in check.
-S. Hellsworth, Reporter
Rampant Misuse of Magical Proclamations
Proclaimer Jason has directly complained to the Conch Champion about his services being misused by residents of Conch. "Magical proclaimers are a vital and respected profession in the lands of Netheril," he said. "It insults me and my trade when my skills are used to send nonsensical gibberish, threats and trash-talk after street brawls!" Jason's suggestion is that offenders take their squabbles to the arena and settle their differences there. Nevertheless, he assures the Champion that he is a professional and will continue (if sometimes grudgingly) to send any proclamation if hired to do so.
- A.Nutt, Reporter
United in Death
The Solemn Mourners of Conch, a funeral service in West Conch, have welcomed calls for a more grand and secure temple to Jergal to be established in our city. Mortician Kurt Totenstarre said "my organisation feels a deep connection to the Church of Jergal. We share many of the same duties and my employees and I make regular contributions, both financial and volunteer work, to the Church." While death is rarely a welcome visitor to most households, we in Conch are blessed to have two fine organisations working so well together in this grim industry.
- P. Krellin, Reporter
Fiverine:
The Conch Champion. Independent & Accurate, Always
Stop, Thief!
A wave of the most cowardly form of theft, pickpocketing, has fallen upon West Conch. This should come as no surprise since this area is by far the roughest and most lawless part of Conch. There were pickpockets under the administration of the Kolumbo Gang and no one should be surprised that Diiri's Boys are equally as lackadaisical in preventing them. But as far as I am concerned, how Grymtol runs things in West Conch is Grymtol's business, not mine.
What concerns me far more is that the West Netheril Trading Company has not made a strong statement about this situation. I have received complaints that people have even had their purses lifted in the markets. This is utterly unacceptable! This plague of wallet-lightening must not spread outside West Conch to the Market District, or gods forbid to Uptown either. I call for Governor Every Hastings to immediately declare that pickpockets in the Market District will be hunted down and prosecuted for disrupting trade!
Finally, the pickpocket is rarely a dedicated specialist. They invariably have other talents, whether it be thuggery, panhandling, burglary or murder. Some perhaps even masquerade as legitimate professionals in conventional trades. But most sinister of all is the link I have noticed between pickpocketing and adventuring! Yes dear reader, many adventurers are skilled pickpockets. They use these skills to illegally fund their deluded expeditions, rob innocent monsters and engage in various immoral sleights of hand. Until proven otherwise, every adventurer should be considered a potential pickpocket. Keep your coins tight when in their company, or better still avoid them entirely.
-G.Morton, Editor.
Disappearances in Conch
District Authorities have experienced a sharp rise in reports of people going missing in Conch. This phenomenon seems to be city-wide but no pattern or explanation has been defined as yet. The Conch Champion has received dozens reports of people who are searching for missing loved ones (a full list of these names is printed in the classifieds section). Most disturbing of all a few of these accounts involved people literally vanishing before the eyes of witnesses. In one of these cases, the shaken witness claimed "poor Abdul was eaten alive by some invisible monster!"
-S.Hellsworth, Reporter.
Minotaur Goes Berserk in Markets
In a shocking incident this week a minotaur lost control and began attacking unfortunate passers-by in the fringes of the Market District. Thankfully the District Authorities of both West Conch and the Markets swiftly dealt with the frenzied monster but not before it caused several deaths. This horrifying event has caused some to question the wisdom and safety of allowing large and potentially dangerous humanoids to live within the walls of Conch.
-A.Nutt, Reporter.
Lusus Naturae Regula Founded
Master Kliment of the Nebular University has officially announced the formation of Lusus Naturae Regula. He states that this organisation will study and investigate incidences of violence and other anti-social behaviour committed by monstrous humanoids within Conch. "This will not be some secretive clubhouse of narrow-minded racists," Master Kliment stated. "We will have some of the sharpest minds of Conch working on this project. I expect our work will improve lives of all people in Conch, and actually many of the monsters too."
-P.Krellin, Reporter
Fiverine:
The Conch Champion. Independent & Accurate, Always
A Hidden Menace?
I am pleased to say that the insidious wave of theft which swept across Conch recently seems to have receded. While I would never exaggerate my own achievements, I know that my scathing editorial last week played some role in unnerving criminals and rousing our District Authorities into action.
One criticism I have received of late is that Conch's patron goddess, Tyche, is one who favours adventurers. I have the deepest respect for the Tychean faith and church and would never unfairly criticise either. Therefore I must clarify my position to some extent. Adventurers are a topic I have studied and also possess great life experience of. Those that do embrace the true spirit of Tyche (and indeed some other deities) are invariably the best people of what I consider a normally bad breed. But there is one particular faith that seems to breed the worst behaved and most dangerous adventurers.
Moander, you ask? Khozar? Targus? No, none of these. The faith which produces the most unhinged adventurers is undoubtedly that of Selūne! Time and time again I have seen her lawless followers do as they please and ignore the rules of society the rest of us dutifully follow. Many Selūnite adventurers are quite insane due to the well-established influence of the lunar cycle upon madness. Selūnite adventurers act without thinking and do so with the pompous arrogance of the misguided do-gooder. Once, these lands were even preyed upon by a deranged order of knights sworn to Selūne whom (I believe) were known as the Swords of Five Lunacies. Fortunately all vestiges of those madmen and madwomen are long gone and they will never trouble us again.
This leaves us to be watchful in the present day. I urge you all to consider the followers of Selūne in this city. Some are our friends and co-workers, and likely good folk. But how many of them could secretly be current or aspiring adventurers or their sympathisers, and what problems could they cause us in the future?
-G.Morton, Editor.
A Fiendishly Good Day
The Mistress of House Mistari caused hearts to flutter and spouses' eyes to wander in the Markets this week by doing a shopping trip in the company of a succubus. Some shoppers were appalled at the scantily-clad creature's presence, while others appreciated the visibly pleasing diversion. The guards were all of the latter opinion and declined to take any action. Notary Victoria Hastings of WNTC said that the day's takings were excellent indeed as many shoppers had flocked to the markets upon hearing rumours of the succubus' presence.
-S. Hellsworth, Reporter.
Census Chaos
The council's preparations for the triennial census of Conch are in turmoil. In recent months an increasing number of humans with extraplanar lineage have come to Conch or been born here. Much debate has occurred about whether these residents should be considered humans, demi-humans or be assigned their own category (or categories). Some also expressed concern that some sort of planar influence is drawing these people here.
Furthermore an anonymous witness to these debates states that some administrators believe that many of the monstrous humanoids of West Conch will be unwilling or incapable of filling out the census form. This would skew the data unless some means of ensuring their participation is imposed.
-A.Nutt, Reporter.
No Relief From Crow Plague
The flocks of crows despoiling crops and harassing citizens of Conch are yet to migrate from the area and it appears they are here to stay. Some tentative extermination efforts by independent operatives and district authorities are understood to have occurred but farmers and traders have reported no easing of the crow menace. Farmers in particular are facing severe crop and income losses this season. Head farmer Joy Lambton of the Creek Farms is leading bands of farmers to chase off crows which retreat to the marshes then swiftly return. "We're doing the best we can," she grunted, "but this needs to end or we'll struggle to feed the city come winter."
-P. Krellin, Reporter.
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